Hi all, I hope each and every one of you are having a great week.
As you would have been able to tell from my last post, I took a different approach lately with my posts and started to get deep and raw about what was going on in my life – the good and the bad. In my last post I discussed my Fathers lung transplant and his journey back to health and how emotional that has been for me and my family -Ive also in the past discussed my battle with body dysmorphia and the weight that can hold – and after some recent events- I think I wish to express myself on a personal level, yet again.
Ive always considered myself to be a 50/50 person. Why do I say that? Because no joke, 50% of people love me, and 50% of people hate me. A lot of people who know me personally, either take me on board, see the real me and see how much of a loving, loyal person I am – while the other 50% cannot stand me as a person, what I stand for and how easy I will stand up for what I believe in, and thats fine – We cannot please everyone in our lives, and I have learnt to live with that, and realise that it isn’t about the number of friends or loved ones we have, its about who will have your back, who will stand by you and who you can trust. Take me back 3 years ago I thought I could trust all my friends, family, loved ones. Fast forward to today and I can honestly count the people I trust on one hand.
Its crazy, isnt it? Looking back just a year ago and seeing how much or lives can change in just 12 months. One thing i have learnt in live though is, never to regret whats happened and what has lead us to where we are today – we all have a path to walk on and sometimes it may seem rocky, sometimes you might cry ‘why me’ but it does get better. Just over a month ago I distanced myself from social media and the world to focus on myself, my goals and the person I wanted to be – and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for the ones I love the most. I changed as a person, for the better. I changed my outlook on everything, I changed my mindset and my attitude and I couldn’t have been more proud of myself for that.
Lately, Ive had to go through something hard once again, and its not just with my Father, but having someone close to me go away for a while and with everything going on – I’ll admit, I was, and still am struggling. I feel like the support I needed in this time, was not given to me, and if I was 100% honest it hurts. I know we all should rely on the people in our lives to be there for us all the time, but sometimes we just hope they will be and thats the sad thing.
We love hard, we put our faith into someone and we trust them to have your heart and not break it, and sometimes, It doesn’t work out the way we want it to and we end up hurt, hurt more than we ever thought we could hurt- because putting our trust and love into someone.. we give a part of ourselves to them, we truly do and when that trust is broken, a part of yourself dies with it and you’re stuck with what is real, what is a lie and what is the truth.
I know that when I love someone, I love deep, I love hard and you will never ever question my love, my loyalty or my respect for you. When someone betrays that trust, that love and that loyalty.. It leaves you so deeply torn. You ask yourself why? why me? What did I do? What could I have done differently? Am I not good enough? So many questions run through your head. You dont feel good enough, you dont feel strong – you feel weak, you feel un worthy, worthless – horrible! The feeling is not one I would wish upon my enemy and the worst feeling? the betrayal and wondering how you could love so deeply and be so loyal.. but someone else cant.. and thats the part that breaks your heart.
I know this isn’t a very helpful post. Its not a recipe, Its not a tip or a review, but its straight from the heart and thats something I promised to start doing with you all. I just pray this feeling and this never happens to any of you with any loved one of yours – because its horrible and you’re left wondering.. what next? Please remember I will always be here for every single one of you – dont forget that.
Keep your heads up – Keep fighting
Until next time,