Hi all.

I firstly have to start this post by apologising to you all, Ive had many people contact me on my qooh account wondering why I haven’t posted much, and I know I should have been, but I promise, there is a real reason as to why I haven’t been posting.

You know I am always raw and honest with my readers, I always have been. But over the last month I’ve had some time to really sit down and reflect on who I am as a person and how much I put on social media. In recent times, I have realised I definitely spend too much time on my platforms and too much time worrying about whats going on, what people think of me and how people take my posts. I have realised that, that in itself is not healthy. I decided to take action and delete my facebook account just for a little while, or maybe for a long while. I want to use my time and my life for good. I want to explore my surroundings, learn new things, become an even better person so I can better myself for my loved ones and friends. I want to get into the best physical shape of my life and possibly even document that journey, but back on track, Its time to explain why I have been so MIA.

About 3 weeks ago I started to feel horrible pains in my abdomen. I dont just mean a stomach ache, or cramps, I mean it literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the side.. I let it go for a few days, being stubborn I thought it was most likely just a horrible stomach ache or cramps, but as days went on the pain just got worse and worse. I decided to tell my Mum about it and we started to monitor the pain, but less than 24 hours after that it was becoming unbearable. I decided to go to the doctor, and after him touching my stomach just once, he sent me straight to the hospital emergency room. It was all happening so fast I was overwhelmed with emotion. I found myself scared.. Im usually a pretty healthy girl, Yes I get the occasional cold but I had not been in pain like that before.

Within 5 minutes of being admitted, I had so many doctors and surgeons around me, 2 needles in my arms and my Mum stressing out. Before I knew it they had me up in the ward. Wow.. I was admitted. I had not been admitted in hospital since I had my tonsils out in 3rd grade, So it was so different for me.. All though I’m 21, It was scary to me. No one knew what was going on with me, no one knew why this pain was happening and even the surgeons were worried about me. I decided I didn’t want my phone as a distraction, I needed time to be on my own and focus on what was happening to me and my body, so I asked my Mum to take it, Plus I was constantly falling in and out of consciousness.

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(Me and Mum)

My first night being in the hospital they took my down for a cat scan, I cant put into words just how much it hurt climbing from one bed to the other just to have the scan done. The nurses were wonderful and were scared to find out what was going on with me also. The scan room was cold and I just wanted it over. My first night in hospital wasn’t any better. My Mum stayed by my side on the two little chairs the hospital provided and we both struggled to get sleep. I tossed and turned all night with nurses giving me pain killers and taking my blood pressure almost hourly.

Over the next few days they tried to figure out what was wrong with me, while my pain was getting worse and worse, until the cat scan results come in. The doctors all crowded in my room to tell me that I had a burst ovarian cyst and my appendix had become inflamed. They said the cyst caused internal bleeding and it was important for them to perform surgery to remove the bleeding, fluid and appendix. Hearing this made me break down. Yes, I had my Mum by my side which I was so grateful for, but there were others I just wish were there for me.

By Saturday, early afternoon, 4 days since being admitted, I was finally being prepped for surgery. Nothing can really prepare you for it.. Its scary. your heart starts racing and you become numb. I remember being taken down to front of the surgery room before my mum had to leave.. I remember telling her to just tell one person that I loved them and that I was being taken into surgery.. thats all I cared about. I wish I didn’t cry.. but thats all I was doing.. was crying and crying some more. I was scared, I was alone and I wanted the pain to be over.

The surgeons explained to me everything that was going to happen, where they would be cutting me open and how they were going to get me to sleep, and before I knew it I had a mask on my face and being told to count back.. I got to 7 and thats the last thing I remember. I then remember waking up in recovery with a nurse calling my name over and over again. I remember feeling the pain when I woke up too.. I couldn’t even talk without it really hurting. I remember being rolled back to my room with my Mum waiting for me. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.. Struggling to even sit up.

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(Myself 5 minutes after returning from recovery)

The night of my surgery was probably one of the worst. I kept looking at the door hoping someone would walk in, I kept moving and it would hurt.. I kept coughing and it would hurt. I just remember promising myself that once I was recovered I wasn’t going to take things in my life for granted.  I was not going to take the people in my life for granted, and I wasn’t going to go a day without telling the people i loved, that I loved them and would be there for them, through it all.

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(My wounds – small, yet painful)

I was released less than 24 hours after my surgery, and before I knew it i was back in there. They made a mistake by letting me out too early and I had to go back in for another 2 days. I ended up signing myself out of hospital late on the Tuesday night. I was uncomfortable there and i felt a lot more comfortable at home.  That was a week ago, and Im still so sore. Its the little things i miss. Not being able to go to the gym, not being able to go to kickboxing. It makes you appreciate your body and how lucky we are to do the things we do.

I recently had a minor setback, as my stomach wounds became infected – but I’m hoping to hit the gym next week for cardio, and hopefully the following week go back to kickboxing. Its going to take time, but If they hadn’t performed the surgery when they did, I could have died, so I am grateful to still be breathing.

Its crazy, Isnt it? How we take things for granted, and we dont realise how important things are until they are jeopardised. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the toughest times of my life, and yes I wonder when things will get better, I wonder if they ever will. But I know, I am lucky to be here. I am lucky that they found the issue before it was too late and I am lucky to know the people I know. I cant sit here and complain why me? why do I feel the things I do, when I know there are so many people in worse situations.. and I know that those are the people I want to help. I dont want to have hate or jealousy in my heart. I am not only open to love and positivity. I want the people closest to me to feel loved, appreciated and know they will always have someone loyal and a positive light to there life, in me.

To anyone who checked on me while I was in hospital, messaged me or sent me something beautiful – Thank you. Your kind words and gifts were beautiful, and I am grateful for you all. To anyone who feels like there body is not right, to anyone who has this type of stomach pain or anyone who is putting off going to the doctors because your stubborn, Please change your mind. You are better off to ease your mind with nothing being wrong, then something being wrong and not getting it checked.

Until next time,

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photojoiner

 

 

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