lifestyle

Hey guys,

So its been a while, I know – and all I can do is apologise for that. Ive been taking some time to focus on what directions i want to take with not only my blog, but also in my life in general. Ive been focusing on my friendships, my job and my self reflection. With that being said, I’m back!

This post to me is actually extremely important, because its one that hits close to home. Ive been reflecting on everything lately and have come content, happy, satisfied and grateful for everything that I am lucky enough to have in my life. I feel that so many of us can easily take for granted the things in our life that we are so lucky to have. We are only human, it happens.

Taking the time to get away even for a day, has proven to me how important self reflection truely is. What i have learnt is that no matter what issue you have, what ever is getting to you, whatever is worrying you – If you have a happy place where you feel safe, comfortable and content with to just sit, focus and think – you can truely help yourself to come up with a plan thats going to help you out of any problem or issue that stands in your way.

For me, the coast and anywhere near or close to the ocean is my safe place. I grew up by the water. Whether it was my parents taking me down to the beach every Sunday or traveling up to our holiday house in Torquay, I was always happiest by the water. Just last week, A very beautiful person, someone I was once very close with passed away and It truly hit home to me. I was shocked, heartbroken and weakened by the news, and I had to take a step back and really think about what I do with my life and how I live it.

Its so easy to take the small things for granted, and ill be honest and say I take my body for granted. Yes, I train, Yes, i eat healthy – but there is so much more I can do to look after myself, and I understand that now. Its also so easy to take the people in your life for granted, only because we think they aren’t going anywhere anytime soon – but the horrible truth is, we never know when its going to be our time. I think its so important to remember how lucky we are to just be healthy, to be surrounded by people who love and care about us, to be able to talk, walk and do the small things we do each and every day – because there are so many people who dont get those opportunities.

We get so many opportunities, but sometimes we dont take them because they aren’t in our comfort zone, we put them off because our mind tells us ‘we can do that later’ or ‘you dont need to do that’. I think sometimes, as cliche as it may sound, you need to seize the moment, seize the day, and make the most of it. Do the things you want to do, see the things you want to do, make them memories and document as much as you can so you can look back on them at any moment and remember exactly what you have been lucky enough to do.

Last week, my best friend and i took a drive up to our favourite coastal spot in Victoria and made a day of checking out all the beaches and look outs, and as crazy as it is for me to say,  I came home a completely different person. My itch to travel is higher then ever, my determination to get comfortable and happy in my body is higher then ever and my inspiration to create, photograph and film is so present that I have decided to focus a lot more of my time around my creative side, while I document the things my friends, family and I do.

Im excited to now save, plan and travel the world, meet new people and truly transform myself more then ever, and I know if something simple like visiting a beautiful beach can do this for me, I know it can help so many others too.

So all though this post is short and sweet, I hope you understand exactly where I’m coming from, and know that whatever is getting you down, whatever you’re worrying about or whatever you’re keeping bottled up – do yourself a favour, find your happy place, and reflect, and I can promise you, you will come out of it feeling so much happier and content with yourself and your plans for your own future.

I can’t thank you all enough for reading my blog, or the beautiful messages I get about my posts. All of them mean more to me then you will ever know. I’m so happy to be back.

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      I made a small vlog video of our road trip that can also be checked out here

Until next time,

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Hi All,

I am truly sorry for the lack of weekly posts. Since surgery I have been taking a lot of time off social media, even deleting facebook to just focus on myself, my schooling, my photography and most importantly, my health. Im slowly recovering with some minor setbacks but will be back in the gym and back in routine as of Monday, and to say I’m excited is an understatement.

One of the only good things that came out of me having surgery and being so sick, Is I had so much time to reflect, think about myself and my future and also had so much time to write. If you know me personally, you know writing has always been a major passion of mine, and when I was in hospital I finally started writing my book. I dont want to give too much away and ruin every aspect, but in simple terms its about fighting body dysmorphia, the little things life throws at us and finding a way through all the hurt to become better then ever. I did however, want to share a small snippet with you guys. It has not gone through editing just yet, just simply written so please, dont judge too harshly, and please do not pin point people you may think its about – It is all about life in general and the road I have been on. I hope you guys enjoy it, here goes nothing:

“Its crazy, Isn’t it? How things can change in just a matter of a day.  Thats only 24 hours. thats only 1440 minutes. You can go from being so sure of your life, so sure of the people you are surrounding yourself with and so sure of where you are going. Its almost like looking at your future and your life as a long open road, and when you figure it out, or think you have it figured out, the path is so easy to drive on, you enjoy the long, open road and can read your map easily knowing exactly your destination and knowing exactly how you’re going to get there, and then suddenly,  out of the blue, you crash.

You crash that car, you ruin that map and the road becomes twisted and that future, that future that once seemed so clear becomes blurry and hard to reach. I guess thats the way I look at it. There are a lot of people who find it so difficult when put in a position like this. They are so sure of their futures, so sure of their partners, so sure of their careers, they never think about the possibility of losing an aspect of their lives, or possibly losing it all. Its scary, It’s a horrible thought isn’t it? Knowing that the people and things that mean the most to you, could be yanked from you ever so easily. It’s not a reality anyone wants to face, but sadly some of us do have to face it.

The question is though, How will you face it? I guess you could look at it like a road trip in this circumstance too. imagine driving, you suddenly crash. Yes, the crash hurt, yes the crash was hard and yes the crash has had severe consequences on your life, how you feel as a person and keeps you wondering if things will ever get better, but now, now you have to walk.. however there is a divide and there are two roads you can take, but you can only chose one.

One destination can lead you down the path of further sadness, further wondering ‘why me’, further weeks.. months.. years even of wondering how it could ever get better and constant feeling sorry for yourself. This path is the path sadly so many end up taking, and can never ever see the true beauty in life and what opportunities are right infant of us..

Or you could chose the path of optimism, the thought of knowing, yes- damn straight things are going to be tough, yes there are going to be days, weeks even of sadness and constantly questioning where you are going and where life is taking you – but you chose to keep positive and you chose to keep fighting because you know life is too damn short to be anything but happy, too damn short to live each and every day sad. You chose to be optimistic because at the end of the day, you can sit back and remember that you got yourself through some of the hardest things in life, and guess what, you’re still here. You are still breathing air, you are still pushing through every god damn day with a smile on your face because you know only you can change how you see yourself, only you can change your own life and only you can make things better.

Stop relying on everyone else to be there for you. If there is one thing I have learnt, It’s that you will only get disappointed by this. You will be there for you, and this is the sole reason as to why you need to put you first. As old as the saying is, it has truth to it ‘How can you expect anyone to love you, if you do not love yourself?’ These 14 words hit home for me. I spent a lot of my life hating who I am. Heck, in all honesty I still hate a lot of physical aspects about myself, but when I took the time to sit, reflect and think about who I was as a person I learnt that there were parts of me, I am proud of, and those are the parts that make me, Tegan. No-one should ever hide aspects that make them, them, and no-one should ever make someone feel bad or self conscious about themselves because they are different to you. Just remember, there are people out there who would fight for you. There is someone out there who would count their lucky stars to have you in their lives, there is someone out there who wants you, for you. Hold onto that and dont settle for less. You are worth it.”

And there it is. I cannot wait to share more with you as I continue writing.

Until next time,

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photojoiner

Hi all.

I firstly have to start this post by apologising to you all, Ive had many people contact me on my qooh account wondering why I haven’t posted much, and I know I should have been, but I promise, there is a real reason as to why I haven’t been posting.

You know I am always raw and honest with my readers, I always have been. But over the last month I’ve had some time to really sit down and reflect on who I am as a person and how much I put on social media. In recent times, I have realised I definitely spend too much time on my platforms and too much time worrying about whats going on, what people think of me and how people take my posts. I have realised that, that in itself is not healthy. I decided to take action and delete my facebook account just for a little while, or maybe for a long while. I want to use my time and my life for good. I want to explore my surroundings, learn new things, become an even better person so I can better myself for my loved ones and friends. I want to get into the best physical shape of my life and possibly even document that journey, but back on track, Its time to explain why I have been so MIA.

About 3 weeks ago I started to feel horrible pains in my abdomen. I dont just mean a stomach ache, or cramps, I mean it literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the side.. I let it go for a few days, being stubborn I thought it was most likely just a horrible stomach ache or cramps, but as days went on the pain just got worse and worse. I decided to tell my Mum about it and we started to monitor the pain, but less than 24 hours after that it was becoming unbearable. I decided to go to the doctor, and after him touching my stomach just once, he sent me straight to the hospital emergency room. It was all happening so fast I was overwhelmed with emotion. I found myself scared.. Im usually a pretty healthy girl, Yes I get the occasional cold but I had not been in pain like that before.

Within 5 minutes of being admitted, I had so many doctors and surgeons around me, 2 needles in my arms and my Mum stressing out. Before I knew it they had me up in the ward. Wow.. I was admitted. I had not been admitted in hospital since I had my tonsils out in 3rd grade, So it was so different for me.. All though I’m 21, It was scary to me. No one knew what was going on with me, no one knew why this pain was happening and even the surgeons were worried about me. I decided I didn’t want my phone as a distraction, I needed time to be on my own and focus on what was happening to me and my body, so I asked my Mum to take it, Plus I was constantly falling in and out of consciousness.

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(Me and Mum)

My first night being in the hospital they took my down for a cat scan, I cant put into words just how much it hurt climbing from one bed to the other just to have the scan done. The nurses were wonderful and were scared to find out what was going on with me also. The scan room was cold and I just wanted it over. My first night in hospital wasn’t any better. My Mum stayed by my side on the two little chairs the hospital provided and we both struggled to get sleep. I tossed and turned all night with nurses giving me pain killers and taking my blood pressure almost hourly.

Over the next few days they tried to figure out what was wrong with me, while my pain was getting worse and worse, until the cat scan results come in. The doctors all crowded in my room to tell me that I had a burst ovarian cyst and my appendix had become inflamed. They said the cyst caused internal bleeding and it was important for them to perform surgery to remove the bleeding, fluid and appendix. Hearing this made me break down. Yes, I had my Mum by my side which I was so grateful for, but there were others I just wish were there for me.

By Saturday, early afternoon, 4 days since being admitted, I was finally being prepped for surgery. Nothing can really prepare you for it.. Its scary. your heart starts racing and you become numb. I remember being taken down to front of the surgery room before my mum had to leave.. I remember telling her to just tell one person that I loved them and that I was being taken into surgery.. thats all I cared about. I wish I didn’t cry.. but thats all I was doing.. was crying and crying some more. I was scared, I was alone and I wanted the pain to be over.

The surgeons explained to me everything that was going to happen, where they would be cutting me open and how they were going to get me to sleep, and before I knew it I had a mask on my face and being told to count back.. I got to 7 and thats the last thing I remember. I then remember waking up in recovery with a nurse calling my name over and over again. I remember feeling the pain when I woke up too.. I couldn’t even talk without it really hurting. I remember being rolled back to my room with my Mum waiting for me. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.. Struggling to even sit up.

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(Myself 5 minutes after returning from recovery)

The night of my surgery was probably one of the worst. I kept looking at the door hoping someone would walk in, I kept moving and it would hurt.. I kept coughing and it would hurt. I just remember promising myself that once I was recovered I wasn’t going to take things in my life for granted.  I was not going to take the people in my life for granted, and I wasn’t going to go a day without telling the people i loved, that I loved them and would be there for them, through it all.

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(My wounds – small, yet painful)

I was released less than 24 hours after my surgery, and before I knew it i was back in there. They made a mistake by letting me out too early and I had to go back in for another 2 days. I ended up signing myself out of hospital late on the Tuesday night. I was uncomfortable there and i felt a lot more comfortable at home.  That was a week ago, and Im still so sore. Its the little things i miss. Not being able to go to the gym, not being able to go to kickboxing. It makes you appreciate your body and how lucky we are to do the things we do.

I recently had a minor setback, as my stomach wounds became infected – but I’m hoping to hit the gym next week for cardio, and hopefully the following week go back to kickboxing. Its going to take time, but If they hadn’t performed the surgery when they did, I could have died, so I am grateful to still be breathing.

Its crazy, Isnt it? How we take things for granted, and we dont realise how important things are until they are jeopardised. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the toughest times of my life, and yes I wonder when things will get better, I wonder if they ever will. But I know, I am lucky to be here. I am lucky that they found the issue before it was too late and I am lucky to know the people I know. I cant sit here and complain why me? why do I feel the things I do, when I know there are so many people in worse situations.. and I know that those are the people I want to help. I dont want to have hate or jealousy in my heart. I am not only open to love and positivity. I want the people closest to me to feel loved, appreciated and know they will always have someone loyal and a positive light to there life, in me.

To anyone who checked on me while I was in hospital, messaged me or sent me something beautiful – Thank you. Your kind words and gifts were beautiful, and I am grateful for you all. To anyone who feels like there body is not right, to anyone who has this type of stomach pain or anyone who is putting off going to the doctors because your stubborn, Please change your mind. You are better off to ease your mind with nothing being wrong, then something being wrong and not getting it checked.

Until next time,

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photojoiner

 

 

Hi all, I hope each and every one of you are having a great week.

As you would have been able to tell from my last post, I took a different approach lately with my posts and started to get deep and raw about what was going on in my life – the good and the bad. In my last post I discussed my Fathers lung transplant and his journey back to health and how emotional that has been for me and my family -Ive also in the past discussed my battle with body dysmorphia and the weight that can hold – and after some recent events- I think I wish to express myself on a personal level, yet again.

Ive always considered myself to be a 50/50 person. Why do I say that? Because no joke, 50% of people love me, and 50% of people hate me. A lot of people who know me personally, either take me on board, see the real me and see how much of a loving, loyal person I am – while the other 50% cannot stand me as a person, what I stand for and how easy I will stand up for what I believe in, and thats fine – We cannot please everyone in our lives, and I have learnt to live with that, and realise that it isn’t about the number of friends or loved ones we have, its about who will have your back, who will stand by you and who you can trust. Take me back 3 years ago I thought I could trust all my friends, family, loved ones. Fast forward to today and I can honestly count the people I trust on one hand.

Its crazy, isnt it? Looking back just a year ago and seeing how much or lives can change in just 12 months. One thing i have learnt in live though is, never to regret whats happened and what has lead us to where we are today – we all have a path to walk on and sometimes it may seem rocky, sometimes you might cry ‘why me’ but it does get better. Just over a month ago I distanced myself from social media and the world to focus on myself, my goals and the person I wanted to be – and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for the ones I love the most. I changed as a person, for the better. I changed my outlook on everything, I changed my mindset and my attitude and I couldn’t have been more proud of myself for that.

Lately, Ive had to go through something hard once again, and its not just with my Father, but having someone close to me go away for a while and with everything going on – I’ll admit, I was, and still am struggling. I feel like the support I needed in this time, was not given to me, and if I was 100% honest it hurts.  I know we all should rely on the people in our lives to be there for us all the time, but sometimes we just hope they will be and thats the sad thing.

We love hard, we put our faith into someone and we trust them to have your heart and not break it, and sometimes, It doesn’t work out the way we want it to and we end up hurt, hurt more than we ever thought we could hurt- because putting our trust and love into someone.. we give a part of ourselves to them, we truly do and when that trust is broken, a part of yourself dies with it and you’re stuck with what is real, what is a lie and what is the truth.

I know that when I love someone, I love deep, I love hard and you will never ever question my love, my loyalty or my respect for you. When someone betrays that trust, that love and that loyalty.. It leaves you so deeply torn. You ask yourself why? why me? What did I do? What could I have done differently? Am I not good enough? So many questions run through your head. You dont feel good enough, you dont feel strong – you feel weak, you feel un worthy, worthless – horrible! The feeling is not one I would wish upon my enemy and the worst feeling? the betrayal and wondering how you could love so deeply and be so loyal.. but someone else cant.. and thats the part that breaks your heart.

I know this isn’t a very helpful post. Its not a recipe, Its not a tip or a review, but its straight from the heart and thats something I promised to start doing with you all. I just pray this feeling and this never happens to any of you with any loved one of yours – because its horrible and you’re left wondering.. what next? Please remember I will always be here for every single one of you – dont forget that.

Keep your heads up – Keep fighting

Until next time,

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photojoiner

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote a blog post tonight on home made body scrubs but decided not to post it as something much larger and more important has come up and I think its a topic i need to speak about and a topic I think needs more attention/awareness on. Some might say I post a bit too much about my personal life or how I’m feeling – and thats fine, every one if entitled to their own opinion but the way I look at it is, If you aren’t being honest and open about the good and the bad, then why blog or post at all? You may disagree with me, but I consider my readers, friends and I will always be upfront, honest and raw- about the good and the bad and what I want to speak about and draw awareness on today is something so close to my heart.

I’m sorry for the lack of posts lately, but there has been a serious reason as to why I haven’t been posting and I think today, I’m ready to talk about it

It’s not my place or my right to go into the detail of my fathers passed illnesses or his battle with health, that’s his decision and his privacy- however I think discussing he’s current journey and what he has been through and bring awareness to the importance of organ donation, is something I needed to write about.
My Fathers original lungs were failing. They were working at a capacity of only 22%. imagine your lungs working this low day in and day out. They were failing him and this was breaking all our hearts. Throughout 2015 my Dad, Greg, did many texts, lost around 20kg, started exercising and eating healthier to be eligible to be put on the lung transplant list. The wait, the tests and the constant hospital appointments had my Dad exhausted but he kept pushing through knowing this is what he needed if he wanted to see us all grow up and live the rest of his life healthy and happy.
On Tuesday the 29th of March my Dad received a call from his hospital, advising him that they had lungs that would be compatible for him and to get everything in order for surgery that evening. Those words were bitter sweet for me – sweet because my Dad had gone through so many tests and worked so hard to get onto the list and it’s very lucky and rare for the lungs to become available, but bitter because the surgery is very scary and no one knew what to expect.
At this stage, my Father and I hadn’t spoken in 2 weeks due to a silly arguement. My Dad called me with the news of the surgery. We knew my Dad was on the list and that we were prepared for waiting a long amount of time and not to get our hopes up, but when lungs are found and it’s time for the surgery, how do you prepare for that? It’s hard too, it really. I sat on the phone to my Dad sobbing, not knowing really what to say but good luck and that I loved him. My Dad hardly chokes up, but I could hear the emotion in his voice too, we then hung up from each other – and from that moment I was terrified, emotional and on edge.
My dad went in for surgery on Tuesday the 29th of March at roughly 7:00pm. We were told the treatment could take up to 12 hours and to just keep checking in with the hospital. I feel like I now should buy the nurses flowers as I was annoying them with phone calls almost every hour on the hour trying to find out what was going on with my Dad. I was finally advised he was out of surgery and in ICU the next morning, and that’s when the waiting game began. Waiting for him to wake, waiting to see how the new lungs were reacting, waiting to see if his body would reject the lungs or take them on board – it was a day of waiting, that felt like weeks. My Dad had a double lung transplant, a surgery that would save his life.
On Thursday the 31st of March, I was finally allowed to see my Dad. Walking in to ICU and seeing him smiling, I cannot put into words the happiness and pure emotion I felt. That man and I may fight, bicker and disagree, but he is my Bestfriend, my father and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. My Dad was reacting to the surgery better than most. He was breathing incredibly, he had colour to his face – something I had not seen in my dad for at least 2 years – due to being sick and constantly on oxygen, Dad previously always looked gray and dry – now his face was presenting colour and glowing – I couldn’t believe it.
The biggest noticeable change on my dad? His attitude. I can’t put into words just how much my dads outlook on life, health and fitness has changed in just a week. My Dad was advised he would be in ICU for a few weeks –  that was not the case. My dad was working that hard and doing everything so correctly, that he was out of ICU by Sunday the 3rd of April, less than a week before his surgery. Isn’t that incredible? Sitting here writing about it now gives me tears of joy, I am just so proud.
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My dads outlook on everything and how excited he is for his future is inspiring. Before his surgery, he would hardly smile, hardly leave the house and now – he cannot wait to get out of hospital, smash out his 12 month recovery period and begin the rest of his life, and live it to his full capability. He’s excited to travel, build his fitness, breath on his own and do things he couldn’t do before. What’s scary about this? My dads so grateful to just breath properly again- something we ALL take for granted daily.
Currently, My Dad is still in hospital working towards recovering and starting his new life – and dad when you read this, just know that I am so proud of you, I am so grateful to have you as my Father and so excited to be on this journey with you, and I will be right by your side every step of the way. Your attitude, outlook and positivity inspires me daily – I love you.
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Now that my readers are up to date – there is more to this post then just explaining and showing you all just how incredible my father is, however raising awareness on the ABSOLUTE importance of Organ Donation. I’ve been sitting and thinking – if this man did not sign up to be an organ donor before he passed away – my dad may have never had this opportunity. All-though the organ donor and his family are anonymous, I am SO grateful for them. The man who signed up to become a organ donor, is the true hero in this story – because his sacrifice and his ability to become a donor and make that choice, has saved lives. I, myself am an organ donor and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. One donor can save so many lives – it’s actually incredibly crazy to think about. Organ donors are heroes, they are beautiful people  and it’s thanks to people like them, that people like my Father can now live his life. It’s crazy how simply signing up, can do so, so much. I wanted to post the link to reading all about organ donation – I would never expect any of my readers, friends or family to do anything they aren’t comfortable in doing – but just filling your head with some information on organ donation and passing on the information can save so many lives.
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I also want to touch base on how so many of us can take so much for granted. I look back and think how silly I was to let an argument stop me from speaking to my Father. There are so many men, woman, children who wish they had their parents, and I was ignoring mine.. And that makes me feel terrible. Yes – families fight, it’s normal – but I suggest to anyone in this boat, don’t ignore your loved ones or let an argument stop your communication – it isn’t worth it and you never know what you have.. Until it’s gone or you can see what can be taken from you. Also never take for granted how lucky we are to be healthy, able to walk, stand, move, breath, eat and do what we do every single day – we as humans complain about the little things way to much, I know I’m guilty of it – but after this experience I have learnt that we are so lucky to live the lives we live with the health we have – and that should not be taken for granted even for a second.
Make the most of your days – do something to make someone else happy, volunteer, travel, use your skills – make it count, because we are so lucky to be able to have the choice and opportunity to do that – there are so many beautiful people all over the world who can’t, but wish they could.
 I just want to end this blog post by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has messaged me, reached out to ask about my father and my family and offer love and support – some of you have even advised me you want to become organ donors, and that is so incredibly amazing – you are all beautiful people who are honestly, heroes. I am so happy to have you all in my life and my Dad is also so grateful and humbled by all your love and well wishes.  Also to the Alfred Hospital, for always supporting my Dad and looking after him with great care, love and expertise, I am so thankful.
Love Always,
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photojoiner

 

Happy humpday lovelies! As some of you may know, studying and only working part time, can cause you have to use your money on things you rather.. well.. not spend your money on, like bills, fuel, food. Well, not food- Im fine with spending money on food if I’m perfectly honest -but there are definitely some things I would rather be spending my money on, So yes- you may have guessed it, I have written another wish list. Now, Please if you don’t know me personally, do not assume that I am all about buying this or materialistic things, that isn’t the case at all – but sometimes I do like to treat myself and with the line of work I’m in (Beauty/Makeup) I like to keep a tab on great products to add to my collection/kits. However, this isn’t just a wish list containing beauty/makeup products – so If there are any men reading this – dont click the small ‘x’ just yet! I hope some of you get some ideas from my wish list and maybe, if you aren’t broke like i am – can purchase them for yourself (ha-ha.. but really) Okay – now with that being said, lets get to it!

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Okay- So I am OBSESSED with these cases. I saw the Kardashians post about them and then I finally looked them up, and wow- I dont just want this case, I actually feel like I need it! Its a case that lights up on the side.. wait for it.. to take perfect photos of yourself. Okay – I know what you might be thinking ‘thats shallow’ or ‘why would you NEED that’. Well, I have an answer for that- Being an MUA/Beauty Therapist, these cases are perfect to showcase products used on client faces, where without the light – its so dull and theres no quality.. and.. well – my selfie game would be a LOT stronger.

WHERE YOU CAN PURCHASE THIS CASE: Lumee.com

PRICE: In Australia + Shipping it works out to being around $75.00

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Of course.. I want the most expensive go pro on the market – The go pro hero 4, Black. Me and my boyfriend have been talking about wanting a go pro for a while, and with him going on a Holiday soon, I thought him getting one would be perfect! I really want one for walking tracks, water sports and everyday vlogging- I think how light they are, how amazing the quality is and all the products you can use with them are incredible. Ive never owned a go pro myself, and I definitely would need one of those ‘go pro for dummies’ books, thats for sure- But I really, really think it would be perfect for those weekend adventures!

WHERE YOU CAN PURCHASE THIS: shop.gopro.com/APAC/cameras  OR you can go to shops like jb hi-fi and other electrical good shops that will also sell these also!

PRICE:  Online  official site these are $749.95 however, keep checking online and look around.

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I cannot get enough of this palette, This is actually one of the wishlist I actually tried to purchase, but the official website had sold out! Ive literally been checking the website every day. I saw someone on my facebook account share the palette wondering what it was, So I did some research and found out the palette name – Hidden Treasure Palette by Dose of Colors. Honestly though girls, Look at those colours- how shimmery they are!? What type of makeup lover DOESN’T need this palette in their life? I know for a fact I do – and its a limited addition, so I’m DYING to get my hands on one! Ive even been checking other makeup sites and ebay, but Im one of those girls who like to ensure I buy authentic products, and I dont really trust ebay for that. Anyone who knows me, knows I love shimmer and high pigment colours, and these are just to die for! If any of you makeup lovers know where I can get my hands on one – hook a sister up!

WHERE YOU CAN PURCHASE THIS PALETTE: Doseofcolors.com (currently sold out)

PRICE: $50.00 BUT if you are from Australia, Im sure that will go up after converting + shipping – sadly!

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If you are a makeup lover/professional, Please do not judge me! I KNOW I should already have this essential palette, but I literally have been doing so much research and some people say this palette, and others say the iconic London palette – but this one is definitely more popular so Im definitely on team Anastasia. Ive been looking at the new fair colours, because lets face it- when Im not wearing fake tan, Im REALLY white, and the colours to me, are perfect for highlighting and contouring.  I know so many people who have this kit and love it, so I think this weekend – Im going to tick this off the wish list and get myself one, then I can review it for all you pretty ladies!

WHERE YOU CAN GET THE PALETTE:  I tried to purchase this from anastasiabeverlyhills.com, however when I finally got to checkout it then told me there was no international shipping- EVEN though it allowed me to select Australia and it told me it would be $17.00 for international shipping HOWEVER never fear Aussie girls – you can purchase the contour kit from sephora.com.au or in store, however there was no fair option, so I’m guessing this is currently available in the US. However, after doing some research I found that beautybay.com had all shades available!

PRICE: They actually range, on the official website they were $40.00 (+$17.00 for shipping) but I couldn’t purchase that, $70.00 on SEPHORA, $65.00 on BEAUTYBAY.

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Okay, so enough about makeup for a few minutes – on to another obsession of mine – Shoes! I’m the type of girl who can go from wearing heels and boots to nikes in 2.5 sections, it really depends on my mood- but secretly I wish I could just rock nikes 100% of the time! I cannot get over these though – all white and perfect! I mainly wear my black ones all the time, so getting some all white ones are definitely on my list – BUT i do have a habit of getting things dirty/wrecked so quickly so I would definitely need to watch where I was wearing these – thats for sure!

WHERE YOU CAN GET THESE FROM:  Hype DC, Nike.com.au.

PRICE: $150.00

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So if you know me personally, then you would know that I am a massive lover of health and fitness, Im not naturally a skinny girl, I have curves.. a lot of them and I put on weight SO easily, even from a cheat meal so ALL week I’m strict and train daily, so Im always on the look out for new fun fitness/health related products. I recently purchased a fruit infused bottle from cotton on body, and HATED it. It leaks, its cheaply made and Ive thrown it out it was that bad – I really dont suggest them at all – However I came across these bottles online and they look incredible. They’re slim, they’re pretty and easy to hold/carry too. I love that the fruits etc can sit at the bottom too – nice and neat! I found these bottles online.

WHERE YOU CAN GET THESE FROM: Now, these are a recent find for me, so they may not ship to Australia for all i know just yet (SORRY) but their official website is : http://www.define bottle.com

PRICE: $20.00

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So I recently had a change with my hair, a big change in the last 6 months. I chopped it all off ( It use to be close to my bum) then went from black and slowly transitioning back to light (natural) but of course, going light – it has killed my hair and I now only straighten it once – however I think my current straightener is doing more harm! Its too old and isn’t helping my current situation at all – SO of course as I do, I had a look online and of course, As I am – want this one.. the more expensive one. Damn Tegan, can’t you just want something cheap and affordable while you study? Nope – Not me! This is the new GHD Platinum range – what i LOVE about this is it uses safer for hair heat supply. Its light weight, has a heat resistant plate and super easy to use. Im obsessed! I definitely need to invest in a new straightener asap!

WHERE YOU CAN GET THESE FROM: Hairhouse warehouse, ghdhair.com, and other leading hair shops!

PRICE: $315.00

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And again, being a lover of shoes I couldn’t pick one set from lipstik that I’m loving more – Im a massive boot girl, I even prefer them over heels. You can dress them up or down and I love that about them – My favorite pair of boots believe it or not, I got from Kmart for $30.00. They have a high heel, black, mesh and their super stylish, pretty and comfortable BUT because I love them so much, I wear them too much and they are wrecked- I kick myself now because I HATE that I didn’t buy 2 pairs as they aren’t in stock anymore 😦 however – I am loving the lipstick range currently, all though a little more expensive, they are worth it! The two I am loving currently are the Marvelz and Nerro designs.

MARVELZ: I love the pointed two and the high ankle boot look of these, I would definitely dress these up more!

NERRO: I adore the small slit and the more casual look. These would be my everyday boots, for sure! They even look super comfy!

WHERE YOU CAN GET THESE FROM: lipstik shoes, lipstik online – I also know alot of online fashion shops sell these too!

PRICE:

MARVELS: $109.95

NERRO: $99.95

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Yes.. Another makeup want. I actually could make a never ending list when it comes to makeup, But I decided to limit it for this post! This to faced coco contour kit is to die for! Everytime i go to mecca I just smell this and LOVE the texture of the product.. It literally smells like chocolate and cocoa and I love it so much. I dont know why I haven’t purchased it yet, I think last time I went in for a concealer and talked myself out of it – But its definitely on my wish list- thats for sure!

WHERE CAN YOU GET THIS FROM: http://www.toofaced.com,  mecca.com.au and MECCA stores.

PRICE: toofaced site: $40.00 ( not sure about international shipping and prices) Mecca: $63.00

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I’m sorry – I know.. more makeup but this has definitely been on every wish list I’ve had in the last few months – Ive even tried to purchase them many times and Never had luck they sell out that quickly. Ive heard SO many great things about these lip kits and I really need to get my hands on one. I love all shades, but if i had to narrow it down i would say I NEED to get my hands on:

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Mary Jo, Posie, Candy and Dolce. Im definitely a nude/light girl, thats for sure!

WHERE YOU CAN GET THESE FROM:  kyliecostmetics.com (All currently sold out)

PRICE:  $29 USD currently $38.86 in AUD – Shipping would cost extra.

Okay – i know I said I wouldn’t make this whole post about beauty, And i know a lot of the products have been – and Im sorry but just be thankful there wasn’t more, and for you lovely ladies and gents who love beauty and makeup as much as I,  I will be doing a whole post on Beauty/Makeup products I want, and reviewing ones Ive tried – Stay tuned!

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Happy Monday all! Its crazy to think in just a week, we will have already gone through the first month of the year! Time is going so, so quickly, dont you agree? Last night I was sitting in my personal beauty room, doing my own makeup and thinking about what I wanted to improve in the room and what I want to add to it. Now, I only use this room for personal use and for my close friends and family when they need a free massage or a quick manicure, But Ive had a few questions regarding what my room looks like and what products I have, so last night I took a few snapshots so I could show you guys and let you know where some cheap places are to shop for beauty supplies and where I got some of my equipment from! So lets get started.

 

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Okay, I know- the table is nothing special and isn’t set out well, this is because I only recently purchased the table and have been planning/buying a few things online so that I can organise the table correctly and have it set up exactly how I want it. Its definitely a process and it takes a while, but I need to be patient. As I stay at my boyfriends on the weekend a lot of my favourite/go to makeup is in my travel bad, So ill make sure I do a post on my travel bad ASAP too! My makeup station is based on the side wall as soon as you walk into my beauty room I chose this spot because if my curtains are open the natural light hits the area perfectly and the table in this spot doesn’t clutter the room up at all. I use a simple beauty stool too (I got two of them on eBay for $86.00) The stools make it so much easier to move around and Its so easy for me to use them in different sections of my beauty room.

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Ive recently been going through all my extra foundations and ones I haven’t opened yet. Ive decided to just put them in the drawers until my new dividers arrive and then I can unpack the rest of my un opened facial products. As you can see on this side I just keep some foundations, translucent powders, concealers, contour kits, blushes, highlighters and lip care products.  In the drawers I also keep brush cleaners, eyeshadow palettes and random products just until I’m happy with my collection. Then I’m going to set up one side for eye products and the other side for facial products such as concealers, powders, contour kits and of course, foundations. Its going to take time to get it how i want it though, Thats for sure!

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My go-to foundations. These 4 are my life savours and I wear them all depending on what I’m doing each day. This is what I use these 4, for!

GOING OUT/NIGHT LONG WEAR:

  • Kat Von D – Lock it tattoo wear.
  • NARS sheer glow

These two are flawless and stay on perfectly all night! Because they are both a little heavier I prefer to wear them at night, and prefer something lighter for all day wear.

LIGHT WEIGHT/DAY WEAR:

  • Stila all day wear
  • MAC studio fix foundation

These two are amazing to wear during the day and are super light, well I think so anyway. If I’m just heading out with my friends, boyfriend or out for the day and I know Im going to be doing things, I opt for one of these. Its a lot lighter and not as full coverage as the above two in my opinion.

 

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My massage table area. My table is massive and I’m actually, obsessed with it! Its literally the size of a single bed and is super comfortable. My Mum got it for me as a gift on eBay and paid around $150.00 which is a reasonable price for a table that folds up, down, adjusts and is portable. Underneath the towels the table is black and super comfortable to sit on. I have the table closest to the window as its the most practical spot and i can easily pull it out if my Mum, Dad or friends want a quick massage. I usually have a few candles and display a few of my achievements/certificates on the table if its not being used. Under the table, I store my foot bath machine, spray tan machine and some other equipment.

Screen Shot 2016-01-25 at 6.57.33 PM Either side of my massage table I keep my go to skin products which I use when I remove makeup and on the other side I keep a few of my essential oils, candles, massage oils and in the tray I keep a range of nail art. When I have spare time I love to practice on fake nails different nail art and I often keep it in these drawers so I can access the supplies easy!

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In the drawers I keep my GEL FX kit and tools – Which gives me the option to paint my nails with shellac. Ive also got some tools to remove shellac and maintain healthy nails. In another drawer I keep some glitters and nail art supplies as well as cotton pads and nail polish remover (Im always stuffing up my designs so the remover is a big saviour haha) In the top drawer I keep my fake nails which I use as canvas’ for my nail art practice, some nail clippers, nail art pens and some nail art tape and stick ons. These are always SO fun to play around with!

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This is probably the most colourful spot in my beauty room due to all the nail polishes. On this shelf I leave everything I use to do my nails and my friends nails. On the top shelf i display a few of my nail art  designs as well as the plastic hand (It looks creepy but it makes doing nail art designs SO much easier!) The top shelf also has the products I use most, such as the top coat and matte coat selections, nail art pens and stick ons, colour pamphlets, nail dryer and some of my favourite colour choices.

On the second shelf I keep a range of different brands and colours. I recently just ordered a keep of new OPI colours so Im super excited for them to show up! Once my collection grows and I’m happy with what I have ill do another post on my favourite nail supplies/colours too!

On the third shelf I keep a few colour sets, such as my pastels, neutrals and neons. On this shelf i also keep more GEL kit supplies such as the light and other tools, my bottles of SUNFX tanning solution and some soft hand cream.

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In this area I also have a simple table which I use to create my nail art. In this spot i also display my nail files, my nail nutrition, cuticle care and nail art brushes.

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In the corner of my room I have a little round table which I keep some ‘Tegan Audrey Beauty’ display cards my boyfriend got me as a gift, as well as some ‘Tegan Audrey Beauty’ pens, notebooks, candles and a bamboo style tea set. Marilyn Monroe is a beauty icon so I of course, had to incorporate her in one way in the room.

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Im definitely very passionate about makeup and its one of my favourite things to do, I love that i finally have a real makeup table, however there is A LOT of work to be done and more products to buy. I need to have it perfect before I’m 100% happy with it, but hey! having a table is a start (haha).

I also love the nail art stand. Its bright, it catches your eye and its super fun displaying some of my favourite nail designs and colours!

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I dont like the carpet in the room and how small it is. I definitely want to focus on making the colour scheme and style of the room match and just focus on making it exactly how I want it to look. Theres so much room for improvement and I’m excited to slowly get it how I want it to look, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, I know that!

Thank you guys so much for taking your time to take a sneak peek into my beauty room. It was hard for me to post this just because I’m not 100% happy with how the room looks yet, but I share a lot with you guys so I wanted to share this. If you have any questions or want to know anything about the products/equipment do not hesitate to ask me, I am more than happy to answer any of the questions you may have.

Until next time,

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Hi All! Happy Friday! I must admit I am so glad its almost the weekend. Ive been working out every single day and putting 110% into every single workout Ive done, and from being at the gym for hours everyday recently, Ive noticed a few things being done by other individuals working out, that really grind my gears. Now, dont get me wrong, I’m all for personal fitness and think its incredible when anyone takes on a fitness regime and dedicates time to their health, however when you attend a gym that is open to the public, and you know other people will be using the equipment that you are using, It’s only fair to take that into consideration and respect the rules of the gym. When I was at my local gym this morning, I found myself frustrated and unmotivated because of some of the people around me, and the selfish things they were doing, so I thought what better way to get out my frustration then to write a blog post about it (right!?) So lets get into it. I call this post ‘If you want to have a good relationship with the fellow members at your gym, dont do this type of bulls%^$”

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Now, dont get me wrong, I know that sometimes this can’t be helped. If your doing super sets, It obviously needs to be done, but when someone is hogging two machines and either not using the other one, but leaves there towel there, or is to busy talking to someone else and the machines aren’t being used, or someone who literally just puts their sweat towel and drink bottle on a seat or weight just so the machine is theirs when they want it – these type of people really grind my gears. Most of us who go to workout just want to use the machine for our set, then move on, or go home! If your one of these people who hog machines and hardly use them but have got your sweat towel there or your water bottle- use your brain! Have a think. If you can see that someones standing around or someone is keen on using the machine, and you really aren’t using it at that stage, let them use it! Its probably the last machine they need to finish their workout. Trust me when I say, if your doing a super set, the rest of us understand that- Its when we see you standing there, on your phone, talking to other people for a long time, or not even using the second machine is when it gets frustrating and you become one of ‘them’ people at the gym!

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Now, I’m okay with someone taking a few seconds to look to see if I’ve finished using a machine, Or checking to see If i have the barbell they want or a dumbbell set they need- But when I’m trying to complete my sets and there are people staring or watching – Not only do I feel judged, but I cant focus properly. Some people might read this and think Im being picky, but when you are trying to stay focused and get in a good workout, it definitely gets frustrating if someone is staring at you. If your one of these people, just do you! focus on you and what your doing. Im sure if someones using the machine you wont or the weights you need, they will be done soon. Just think about it, you probably wouldn’t want someone staring you when you’re pumping weights, dont do it to someone else!

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Ah, the lingerers. If you’re a starer, then you are usually a lingerer too! Lingerer’s are those people in the gym who are waiting for a machine, which is fine- but then they come up to you and ask ‘how many sets have you got left? and you kindly let them know, yet they still stand right behind you or so close to you, to the point where you cant focus. I always feel like telling them ‘ Look ill let you know when Im done, Please give me at least a metre of space so I can finish my sets!’ I understand if someones waiting for a machine or a weights bar, but you dont need to keep asking or standing right behind the person until their done. Its frustrating, makes us lose concentration and focus, and will honestly, probably make me want to use the machine or weight, longer then I have to, so just back of a little, it will be yours once the sets are done!

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These ones are probably some of the worst kinds of people at the gym. I actually have 2 of them every single morning when I work out. When I dont have work in the morning or i start a shift in the afternoon, I head into the gym early so I can get my workout done and dusted for the day. If I’m training in the morning there are always 2 men in there who obviously take their training very seriously. They’re both big and always lifting heavy, however they both NEVER take the weight off a machine or bar once they have finished with it – and I find myself CONSTANTLY having to pull these heavy discs or weights of machines and it adds so much more time to my workout- what makes it even more frustrating is the fact that my gym has a speaker and it constantly reminds people to take their weights off machines once they have finished- but these two are too selfish to do that! If your one of these people, I’m being honest when I say this, but 85% of the people you go to gym with, probably highly dislike you! Its not that hard, If you can rack it, you can stack it back.anigif_original-10447-1433249479-5.gif

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Look, I totally get it. Sweating is a massive sign of an intense, hard workout, but its also really unhygienic in a gym for a range of people who use the same equipment as you! Its crucial to have a sweat towel, but there are a lot of people who chose not to use their sweat towels once they’ve finished with a cardio machine or a bench and leave traces of their perspiration all over the machine or bench! It takes 2 seconds to use your towel and wipe it down, 2 seconds! Not only will the fellow gym members respect you for it, but you wont be called the ‘unhygienic’ one, because trust me, I can point out the unhygienic gym goers from my gym from a mile a way – Just wipe down your machine or place a towel when you sit or lay on a machine bench!

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I am SO for people starting a new years resolution and working out, I totally am, And this is just me being selfish but you all know I’m honest with my posts, so its going in here- but the gym in Jan! Its always so packed, I struggle to find machines, weights and even room! Sometimes I literally try and get a workout done at a ridiculous time in the morning like 5:00am so I dont have to even try and attempt to get a good workout in in the afternoon – because you spend so much time waiting for a machine, cardio equipment or just tools like dumbbells, barbells and benches! Its always funny when Feb/March hit and the gym slowly becomes less busy though- I secretly love it when this happens!

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Now I’m always up for a chat, but in the right times! If I’m doing a simple workout or arms or something like that, and my headphones aren’t in then sure! lets have a chat between sets- BUT if I’m doing HIIT cardio or trying to do a superset or a PB and you can tell I’m in the zone, lets talk after! I always make sure I check to see if someone is okay to talk or if i should just wait until they’re done. It can be really annoying and frustrating if your trying to run or push yourself and someone wants to have a chat right at that point!

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I’m all good with people using their phones while they work out – If its not effecting me, then i dont understand why people always say ‘get off your phone’ to others in the gym. If its not effecting your workout then who cares, HOWEVER when someone is having LOUD phone convocations yelling on their phone or using it in between sets and just sitting on it forever and hogging a machine because of it – Thats when it becomes super frustrating and annoying. If you want to do that- step out of the area and do that elsewhere. People going on social media in between sets think its just gonna make their rest stage go quicker but they sit their for minutes and minutes before doing another set, then repeat the process- I once waited 25 minutes for a guy to stop using the Leg Press because he was checking social media in between sets! Its annoying and super frustrating, and if you do it, stop it!

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The Experts. Now I dont mind if people have some tips for me.. No.. actually i DO! If I wanted tips or someones opinion when I’m at the gym.. I’d ask! Ive been working out for over 3 years and have a good idea how to make sure I’m using machines correctly or working out the right muscles correctly, and If I’m not sure- I ASK. I dont need other people at the gym suggesting things to me. I see this all the time at the gym where others think its okay to go up to someone else and give them advise. For example I man that goes to my gym has to squat a different way due to a knee issue, he cant go down to a certain point and its a way a PT/ doctor has told him to adjust until his knee is better, and someone had the nerve to tell him he isn’t squatting deep enough- You dont know whats going on in someones life. They could have injuries or discomfort- people know their OWN bodies, so back off and look after your own! Im sorry if that comes across as rude- but this ones a big one that gets on my nerves!

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And there you have it! My main tips on who NOT to be while your working out! I know some people might ask me why I didn’t add in ‘people who take selfies or videos while working out’. Simple, these people dont annoy me, they make me laugh! I think its funny when I see people tensing and taking photos and videos at the gym so people on social media know they worked out -Ill even admit sometimes I’m guilty of it, but I ensure to take my photos at home! Haha!

Let me know your pet peeves when working out! Id love to hear them and see what else happens in other peoples gyms!

Until Next time,

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Body Dysmorphic Disorder, also known to some as ‘Body Dysmorphia’.

There are many people who will read the headline of this post and think nothing of it, many people who will be reading this just to learn about a different type of disorder, or some of you may just be intrigued to know what exactly it is and what it means, but there will be some readers who have this disorder, and these few will know how this disorder,  can seriously control many aspects of your life.

Medically, Body dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) is described as a ‘distinct mental disorder in which a person has symptoms of a medical illness, but the symptoms cannot be fully explained by an actual physical disorder. People with BDD are preoccupied with an imagined physical defect or a minor defect that others often cannot see’ (webmd quote/explanation of the disorder). To simplify this, BDD can be described as an individual who has a very negative view on their body, looks and self image, but to me and so many other BDD it is so, so much more.

For some, Body dysmorphia can start from bullying, for others, from their own insecurities, and some can even develop the disorder from growing up in an abusive family environment, and sadly these only name a couple of the reasons each individual can develop BDD. Every individual with this Disorder has their own story, their own struggles and their own thoughts on suffering with Body dysmorphia,

This is my story.

I didn’t always have BDD. Growing up, I was actually a pretty confident kid. I started Swimming at the age of 4, Gymnastics at the age of 5 and even gave Taekwondo a go at the age of 9. Swimming, however was always my favourite- and I stuck with it all the way into year 9 of highschool. Throughout Primary school I began to get bigger, yes. Was it something i noticed? Of course it was, but I was a kid, and I certainly didn’t let it bother me. The early years of Primary school, Kids weren’t cruel, everyone respected everyone and always played nice, however leading up to year 5 and 6- thats when the bullying began. Now looking back on it I laugh, because it was just young boys, being boys, trying to get a quick laugh from their mates, but back then being an 11-12 year old girl, it was something that definitely affected me, thats for sure.

Moving into Highschool and becoming a teenager, now thats where I would have to pin point the starting point of developing BDD. Highschool was tough. It can be for a lot of students, and not just females but males too. I feel like now looking back on it, everyone just wanted to get a laugh out of their friends, they wanted their friends to think they were cool or tough- but half the time It all was an act. I had a group of friends, A descent size too, I mean we were teenage girls and often our friendship groups changed. The worst thing about going to an all girls school? The amount of backstabbing. Every day it was something new. If you did something embarrassing, of course everyone knew about it but you would only have to wait a day and everyone would be talking about some new piece of gossip on someone else. Looking back on it, it was actually kind of sad. Looking back on it, I think a lot more discipline should have been taken on students who thought it was okay to put down others because they weren’t their definition of beautiful or perfect. If anything, now, It only reflects badly on the ones who did the bullying and the ‘body shaming’.

I was actually quite a big girl during the start of Highschool and leading into my last 3 years of Highschool. I knew it, I hated it, and I would cry over it every single night. I would come home from school and cry to my Mum and Dad about how I looked. Id constantly ask ‘Why?’. ‘Why me?’. I would often have a pity party for myself, and looking back at that now I shake my head. The turning point was going from an all girls School in year 9, to transitioning to the Co-Ed Boys and Girls Campus to complete year 10, 11 and 12. Luckily, for me I never got a crush on any boy from my Highschool, not one. I had boyfriends, yes – but none of them attended the same school as I did, and personally I was too ashamed in my body, my self image and the way I looked to fully be happy in any relationship I was in, so they all faded pretty quickly and were nothing too serious.  I was scribble my face out in photos, hide my face in photos, crop my photos – Anything that would stop me from having to look at myself any more than I had to.

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(As you can see from the above photos I found on my still existing myspace page that I uploaded from 2008-2010, I hid behind black and white photos, my side fringe and often covered my face in every single photo that was taken of me. Yes, I wasn’t a skinny girl but hating myself this much, wasn’t healthy)

 

In year 10, My Best friend dropped out of High-school, My Dad became extremely ill and my motivation to do anything was lost. My grades dropped, my happiness dropped and I honestly felt as if nothing was going right. I was depressed, I felt alone and I felt like i had nothing. Add a load of homework, bullying and a bunch of gossiping teenagers to that and It was a great mix of disaster for any teenage girl. Now, I’m not trying to throw a pity party for myself here again, As everything that happened through high-school has made me who I am today, but going through it, and knowing still what so many young woman and men go through throughout their High school experience breaks my heart. I hid behind baggy clothes and a hideous side fringe.

Towards the end of year 10, I wanted to make a change. I decided to start ‘eating healthier; and joined a local gym. I would starve myself by eating 400 calories a day then going and doing endless hours of cardio to burn off the calories I ate, then destroy all that work by binge eating on a weekend because I was always SO hungry. I knew it was the wrong way to go about it, I shouldn’t have been surprised when I wasn’t losing weight, But I was and I would cry about it every single day. I knew I was doing it the unhealthy way, and I think doing this to my body back then has ruined my metabolism now. I kept this up all through year 10 and all through year 11. Starving myself, then binge eating, then starving myself, then binge eating. It was a rotation that went around and around and around again. I lost a few kilograms, however every time I looked in the mirror i hated what was staring back at me. i hated my hair, my face, my teeth, but most of all- my body.

The extent and depth of my emotions and feelings were, and still are incredibly deep, which I do speak about in the novel I am currently writing, and will release to you all once completed,  however I still find it hard to explain the pain, hurt and hate I had for myself. When year 12 finally came around I was more body conscious then ever. I wouldn’t wear anything other then black leggings and clothes that would hide my weight. Year 12 was hard, especially the first half. I struggled to keep up with study, working out and eating healthy, and then I met my Boyfriend, Ryan. I was honestly amazed he even showed interest in me to be honest, Here was this fit, good looking football player.. then there was me, this chubby, shy, no confidence 17 year old who hated the way she looked – but he stuck by me, through it all, and honestly I cannot thank this incredible man for everything he has done for me over the last 4 years, that’s for sure.

Once year 12 was done, My happiness definitely boosted. Although I still hated the way I looked and how I presented myself. I was away from the negative High school environment. I got my license, a full time job and was enrolled in my Beauty Course however my Dysmorphia got worse. I started eating a lot healthier, however in 2013/14, I was over exercising – sometimes doing up to 4 workouts a day, spending thousands on products, plans, boot camps and anything I thought would help me lose weight and love my body, but nothing would work. I was 2 dress sizes smaller from high school, however to me – I still looked horrible, I still felt horrible, and I still had no confidence. I had Ryan telling me I looked great,  old High school peers messaging me asking for advise on how to lose weight and telling me how great I looked, however none of it sunk in. To me, It wasn’t good enough – and If I’m honest it still isn’t good enough.

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(Here is a photo I uploaded to my Facebook in late 2014- after starting a new fitness regime. I was getting comments telling me how great I looked, but to me, there was hardly any change. I hated my body so much in the first photos, And hated my body just as much in the second set)

Focusing in on the last year- I began my Beauty course and was suddenly surrounded by young, skinny, beautiful, fit girls my age and older who ate like shit, but still had incredible figures, who were confident and so happy with themselves.. then there was me. Who wasn’t shy, I had a great relationship with everyone in my class- however would never even think about showing my body to anyone in the class and would even struggle to contribute to some classes if it meant I had to take my top off or do anything like that. Even sitting here, writing about it now gives me major anxiety and worry. Towards the middle of 2015 I got doctors to run tests, body comparisons, anything I could to see If I had anything wrong with me – and that’s when I was diagnosed with BDD. I had no idea what it was, had no Idea why he was diagnosing me with it, and had no idea why he was asking me to see a therapist about ‘hating myself’. Luckily enough I accepted my disorder and didn’t have to go on to seeing a therapist for the issue but accepting the fact that I had BDD wasn’t easy for me. I always put up a front of a strong, independent girl and it was hard for me suck up my pride and just accept the fact that i had a mental disorder, but accepting it was the first step to what I know will be a long recovery. I went to 3 other weight loss specialists towards the end of 2015 trying to see if they could help me – and they were all disappointing, one place (Melbourne Weightloss Clinic) had the main specialist tell me to “Just drink weight loss shakes for 3 year and you will definitely see a change” but that I was “Overreacting because the clients she usually sees are 5 times as big as me”. And i think that is a major issue. Its not about being a certain size. Having BDD is an issue for girls, woman, men and boys of all ages, sizes and shapes. I personally know a beautiful, fit, thin young woman who has BDD but sees herself as chubby and unattractive. It comes down to your own perception and your own image of yourself.

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(Here is another image I uploaded to Facebook much more recently, In October of 2015 to be exact. I look at myself there in 2010, and had no confidence, unhappy and overweight. I look at the photo on the right that was taken recently and although I do look like a different person, the feeling inside it still much the same. I’m wearing black because wearing anything else for my boyfriends football presentation would have made me look ‘obese’ as I would say. It took me 4 weeks to decide on an outfit for the night and only chose this because to me it was the only thing that looked half decent and the only outfit that to me, didn’t make me look how I felt.)

Now I am by no means skinny or fit. I am being very honest and raw when I say this, but I still cry myself to sleep every night thinking about my body, how I look and how I present myself in clothes. I dread Summer for having to wear more revealing clothes, I dread bikinis and I dread anything that means my skin will be showing, but that’s me being real with all of you. I may not be skinny, fit or confident, but one thing I am – Is healthy. I began 2016 with a goal. A goal to be healthy, a goal to be strong and a goal to push myself and be the best version of myself, emotionally, physically and mentally. I look at my body still with disgust on a daily basis, but I nourish it correctly, I train it correctly and I am on the road to trying my hardest to change my perception of myself, my opinion of myself and I’m trying to learn to love the skin I am in, while I try to better it.

Some days are worse then others, but all have its challenges and the best piece of advise I can give is to surround yourself with people who make you smile, who are positive influences on you, who have goals, ambitions and are striving for a happy, successful future. Get rid of any negativity, any negative people or anything that can hold you back from bettering yourself.

How do I cope with it? Well.. that’s a hard question.. really. Some days I do, some days I don’t. Some days I can stand myself in clothes, and others I will cry my eyes out at every outfit I try on until I have no strength to even attempt to go out in public. There’s good days, and there is bad days but the road to recovery is there and you don’t need to battle your disorder alone. So many young woman and men keep so quiet about it to the point they feel like they have no one – I’ve done that, and its far from the truth. There are so many organisations and other beautiful woman in the communities surrounding you and close to you who are also suffering. The best thing I do when I’m feeling really negative about myself is I ensure to surround myself with the people I love and the ones who lift me up. My family, My parents, My incredible boyfriend, My close friends and my Pups. I surround myself with the people who love me and support me, I know I don’t have to go through it alone. Another way I cope is sticking to a healthy, nutritious diet and balanced exercise. I workout 6 days a week with a program that was written up for me and follow a MACRO diet, which is the right amount of carbs/proteins/fats for my body and have one cheat meal a week to keep my cravings satisfied. Its about balance and healthy living. If I know I’m treating my body right, then that’s one step in a positive direction. Have motivation. 4 years ago I would have told you my motivation and inspiration would have been a woman was sickly skinny, not that this isn’t beautiful, as all woman of all shapes and sizes is beautiful but for a woman like me who grew up swimming, who is tall and bigger built naturally it wasn’t practical nor healthy. My inspiration now is woman like Ronda Rousey (who as a fact also suffered weight issues and overcome this) and woman within female MMA/UFC as well as various strong, fit, healthy, fitness professionals.

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How can you get help? If you suffer from BDD you are not alone and I’m telling you, you do not have to suffer with it alone. I personally am here for you no matter what and you can reach me or direct message me at any of my social media’s listed on my ‘social media’ tab. When I turned 21, I wrote a list of 21 things I want to do while 21, and one thing on the list was to create a forum for anyone suffering from BDD, And I am well on my way on doing that and will post the link asap and make a blog post about it as soon as its available- It will be a forum for anyone- a support page for anyone and you will see you are NOT alone and that you don’t have to battle it alone.  I highly suggest speaking to a trusted GP and therapist if you feel like this outcome will help you also. I’ve also listed some incredible websites below which will give you information/support services:

http://www.bddfoundation.org, http://www.anxietyaustralia.com, eatingdisorders.org.au, http://www.betterhealth.vic,gov.

 

The truth is, some people overcome BDD, Some others don’t, but the reality is there is support, there is help and there is ways to improving your relationship with yourself and the view you have of yourself, and I’m here to do that with you. BDD is not something to laugh at or look at lightly, but you can get through it, you can live with it, and you can use it as a tool to be the best possible version of yourself. No matter where you are based, there is support, there is help, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thankyou so much for reading the simplified version of my story and I am very excited/nervous to release my novel once its completed for everyone to read, If they wish. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to understand the struggle and if you are here simple to look at getting help or gain support, then I am so super proud of you. Please do not hesitate to take up my offer if you need someone to talk to/support you on your journey. Do not by any means feel embarrassed or nervous to speak to me regarding it, I am here to help- and totally understand how you are feeling.

You are not alone, We fight together.

 

Until next time,

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