fighting

Hey guys, its been a while.

I thought I’d let you guys in on something I’ve always held back on writing about, through fear. Fear of the judgement, fear of the negative comments, fear of looking weak. But depression, depression I feel, does not make you weak at all. It shows you feel. It shows you feel things so deeply and that you’re feelings and emotions can be so strong and constantly take over not only you’re inner thoughts, but can take over your actions and how you present yourself as a person. People often refer to depression as weakness and attention seeking, what do I say to those people? Educate yourself. Do your research and excuse my language, get your fucking head, out of your fucking ass. The only thing that made me feel strong enough to write this is because I’m finally in a position in my life where I feel content, happy and that I’m beating depression with my best foot forward. Im lucky enough to have a supporting Mother, A boyfriend who I truly believe loves me for exactly who I am and constantly proves that to me, and friends who would go to the end of the earth for me. It wasn’t always this good for me though, so let me let you all in on a secret, a story Ive kept to myself for too long. Here we go.

Growing up wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies for me, and it usually isn’t for most of us. Like so many of my generations, my parents were constantly fighting, they broke up when I was young and I felt myself torn between two homes and having to choose where I wanted to live, and trust me when I say – disappointing either of my parents was the last thing I ever wanted to do, so living out of a country road bag travelling back and forth from both houses was my only choice to try and keep them both happy. Highschool was not ‘the best time of my life’ as so many people say – just quietly, I fucking hated it. The only thing that kept me there was my Fathers words. In 2012, when I was in year 12,my final year of highschool, My Dad became very ill. Its not my place to say what was going on, that place is his – but lets just say I had to deal with the daily thoughts of ‘every day i spend in this shitty school is a day less with him’ and ‘who’s going to walk me down the isle if my Dad isn’t going to be around to do so?’ My Dad sat me down one day and said ‘If you are going to do anything for me, please finish school. I never did and its one of my biggest regrets. I know its hard, I know you want to be with me, but i need you to do this. Make me proud, promise me?’ I cried, and i cried, and i cried some more – but I agreed and responded with ‘I promise’.

I graduated school and was offered a spot into a few universities – I know my Dad wanted me to go, but sitting at a desk and doing further study at that time wasn’t an option for me. I wanted to earn money, If something happened to him I wanted money to be able to help out. I wanted to help my Mum out – and thats all that mattered. Fast forward 2 and a half years and I found myself 2 years into a shitty, unloving relationship and stuck in the same call centre job, hating everything about myself, what I had achieved at the age of 20 and most of all, I found myself diagnosed with body dysmorphia (please look it up or suss out other posts to understand this disease). I was obsessed with my body image, I would cry myself to sleep almost nightly and I was slowly finding myself falling into depression. I remember sitting my Mum down and saying to her ‘I dont know whats wrong with me. I’m always sad, and even when I should be happy and every things going okay, I’m still sad. Am I ungrateful? Whats wrong with me?’ her response ‘This was one of my worst fears, Ive been thinking this for a while, we may need to see someone – I think you may have depression’ And right at that moment, my heart broke. Me? Depression? Why am I not strong enough? Whats wrong with me? These were just some of the questions I was asking myself. But I agreed with my Mum, and finally went and saw someone. I was given handfuls of documents and pamphlets labelled ‘SUFFERING DEPRESSION’ and a prescription for anti-depressions was written up and that was it, I was sent on my way. Like.. here you go Tegan, heres a fucking pamphlet, read it, heres a few drugs, you’ll be okay soon! I remember ripping them up when I got home and telling my Mum, i refuse to take tablets to make me happy. I knew if I wanted to change, I needed to make changes.

I decided to sign up to a diploma course, sign myself up for a new gym and focus on eating right for myself. Trust me, I had my days where I still felt like depression was overcoming me, But I didn’t give up. In those situations you need to teach your brain to push on through, keep your thoughts positive and tell yourself it will get better. In 2016 I was 4 months off graduating my diploma, and then – My dad was rushed to hospital for an emergency lung transplant, around the same time I was cheated on after a 5 year relationship and treated like utter shit during the break up period. I was embarrassed, hurt and negative towards everything. On top of that, I was rushed to hospital with agonising stomach pains, and admitted straight away. Now let me tell you, I was a much stronger person at 21, then i was when I was 20, but fuck –  being cheated on, having your father in ICU and yourself stuck in a hospital not being able to do a damn thing about it, it plays on your mind. The only person by my side? My Mum. And that is something I will always be so grateful for. Mum, if you read this – I love you so much and thank you for every little thing you do for me.

I ended up having surgery on my stomach and spent two weeks in hospital. When I was sent home, I was at my lowest point. I couldn’t walk properly, I couldn’t eat properly, I wanted to take all the pain medication and just sleep for hours on end. I avoided any contact with anyone and remember thinking ‘ not only have I lost my motivation for health and fitness, but I’ve lost all motivation to finish my diploma. I remember telling my Mum that, and i remember how angry and disappointed she was. Ill never forget the face she gave me. Now my Mum is straight forward and will tell you exactly how she feels. She sat me down and said ‘No fucking way are you throwing away almost 2 years of hard work, the pain you just went through in hospital because you’re depressed over a shitty fucking guy who doesn’t deserve you or your love, and because you’ve had a minor set back. Get your ass back there and finish your fucking diploma’

I remember being completely speechless, but I messaged my teachers and told them Id be back next week. And I did exactly what my Mother told me to do- hold my fucking head high, finish what I started and enjoy what I worked hard for. I remember crying at my graduation and saying ‘Mum, I fucking did it’. I spent the rest of 2016 on cloud nine and landed my dream job. I worked hard, I focused on myself for a year, I focused on changing myself for the better. I didn’t jump into anything, I kept to myself , focused on my future and focused on how lucky I was to even have the life I live. Fast forward to now – Im lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who loves me for exactly the person I am, where I’m constantly reminded of ‘how beautiful I am’ how much I’m loved. Im basically in love with my best friend, and its the best feeling in the world.

Ive never been closer than I am now with my Mother and have the best group of friends and work friends anyone could ever ask for. Why am I happy now? I honestly break it down to never giving up. Pushing through, If i didn’t make a change, nothing would have changed.

Just know that no matter how hard it may get sometimes, There is help out there, You are so worth it, and you so deserve to live out your life and be the best person you can possibly be. Keep pushing, keep fighting, You will be okay.

 

Until next time,

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