life

Hey guys, its been a while.

I thought I’d let you guys in on something I’ve always held back on writing about, through fear. Fear of the judgement, fear of the negative comments, fear of looking weak. But depression, depression I feel, does not make you weak at all. It shows you feel. It shows you feel things so deeply and that you’re feelings and emotions can be so strong and constantly take over not only you’re inner thoughts, but can take over your actions and how you present yourself as a person. People often refer to depression as weakness and attention seeking, what do I say to those people? Educate yourself. Do your research and excuse my language, get your fucking head, out of your fucking ass. The only thing that made me feel strong enough to write this is because I’m finally in a position in my life where I feel content, happy and that I’m beating depression with my best foot forward. Im lucky enough to have a supporting Mother, A boyfriend who I truly believe loves me for exactly who I am and constantly proves that to me, and friends who would go to the end of the earth for me. It wasn’t always this good for me though, so let me let you all in on a secret, a story Ive kept to myself for too long. Here we go.

Growing up wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies for me, and it usually isn’t for most of us. Like so many of my generations, my parents were constantly fighting, they broke up when I was young and I felt myself torn between two homes and having to choose where I wanted to live, and trust me when I say – disappointing either of my parents was the last thing I ever wanted to do, so living out of a country road bag travelling back and forth from both houses was my only choice to try and keep them both happy. Highschool was not ‘the best time of my life’ as so many people say – just quietly, I fucking hated it. The only thing that kept me there was my Fathers words. In 2012, when I was in year 12,my final year of highschool, My Dad became very ill. Its not my place to say what was going on, that place is his – but lets just say I had to deal with the daily thoughts of ‘every day i spend in this shitty school is a day less with him’ and ‘who’s going to walk me down the isle if my Dad isn’t going to be around to do so?’ My Dad sat me down one day and said ‘If you are going to do anything for me, please finish school. I never did and its one of my biggest regrets. I know its hard, I know you want to be with me, but i need you to do this. Make me proud, promise me?’ I cried, and i cried, and i cried some more – but I agreed and responded with ‘I promise’.

I graduated school and was offered a spot into a few universities – I know my Dad wanted me to go, but sitting at a desk and doing further study at that time wasn’t an option for me. I wanted to earn money, If something happened to him I wanted money to be able to help out. I wanted to help my Mum out – and thats all that mattered. Fast forward 2 and a half years and I found myself 2 years into a shitty, unloving relationship and stuck in the same call centre job, hating everything about myself, what I had achieved at the age of 20 and most of all, I found myself diagnosed with body dysmorphia (please look it up or suss out other posts to understand this disease). I was obsessed with my body image, I would cry myself to sleep almost nightly and I was slowly finding myself falling into depression. I remember sitting my Mum down and saying to her ‘I dont know whats wrong with me. I’m always sad, and even when I should be happy and every things going okay, I’m still sad. Am I ungrateful? Whats wrong with me?’ her response ‘This was one of my worst fears, Ive been thinking this for a while, we may need to see someone – I think you may have depression’ And right at that moment, my heart broke. Me? Depression? Why am I not strong enough? Whats wrong with me? These were just some of the questions I was asking myself. But I agreed with my Mum, and finally went and saw someone. I was given handfuls of documents and pamphlets labelled ‘SUFFERING DEPRESSION’ and a prescription for anti-depressions was written up and that was it, I was sent on my way. Like.. here you go Tegan, heres a fucking pamphlet, read it, heres a few drugs, you’ll be okay soon! I remember ripping them up when I got home and telling my Mum, i refuse to take tablets to make me happy. I knew if I wanted to change, I needed to make changes.

I decided to sign up to a diploma course, sign myself up for a new gym and focus on eating right for myself. Trust me, I had my days where I still felt like depression was overcoming me, But I didn’t give up. In those situations you need to teach your brain to push on through, keep your thoughts positive and tell yourself it will get better. In 2016 I was 4 months off graduating my diploma, and then – My dad was rushed to hospital for an emergency lung transplant, around the same time I was cheated on after a 5 year relationship and treated like utter shit during the break up period. I was embarrassed, hurt and negative towards everything. On top of that, I was rushed to hospital with agonising stomach pains, and admitted straight away. Now let me tell you, I was a much stronger person at 21, then i was when I was 20, but fuck –  being cheated on, having your father in ICU and yourself stuck in a hospital not being able to do a damn thing about it, it plays on your mind. The only person by my side? My Mum. And that is something I will always be so grateful for. Mum, if you read this – I love you so much and thank you for every little thing you do for me.

I ended up having surgery on my stomach and spent two weeks in hospital. When I was sent home, I was at my lowest point. I couldn’t walk properly, I couldn’t eat properly, I wanted to take all the pain medication and just sleep for hours on end. I avoided any contact with anyone and remember thinking ‘ not only have I lost my motivation for health and fitness, but I’ve lost all motivation to finish my diploma. I remember telling my Mum that, and i remember how angry and disappointed she was. Ill never forget the face she gave me. Now my Mum is straight forward and will tell you exactly how she feels. She sat me down and said ‘No fucking way are you throwing away almost 2 years of hard work, the pain you just went through in hospital because you’re depressed over a shitty fucking guy who doesn’t deserve you or your love, and because you’ve had a minor set back. Get your ass back there and finish your fucking diploma’

I remember being completely speechless, but I messaged my teachers and told them Id be back next week. And I did exactly what my Mother told me to do- hold my fucking head high, finish what I started and enjoy what I worked hard for. I remember crying at my graduation and saying ‘Mum, I fucking did it’. I spent the rest of 2016 on cloud nine and landed my dream job. I worked hard, I focused on myself for a year, I focused on changing myself for the better. I didn’t jump into anything, I kept to myself , focused on my future and focused on how lucky I was to even have the life I live. Fast forward to now – Im lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who loves me for exactly the person I am, where I’m constantly reminded of ‘how beautiful I am’ how much I’m loved. Im basically in love with my best friend, and its the best feeling in the world.

Ive never been closer than I am now with my Mother and have the best group of friends and work friends anyone could ever ask for. Why am I happy now? I honestly break it down to never giving up. Pushing through, If i didn’t make a change, nothing would have changed.

Just know that no matter how hard it may get sometimes, There is help out there, You are so worth it, and you so deserve to live out your life and be the best person you can possibly be. Keep pushing, keep fighting, You will be okay.

 

Until next time,

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Hey guys, I hope you all had a b-e-a-utiful day, today I wanted to explain a few things and explain why I haven’t posted something like what you are about to read, before.  i have been wanting to make this post for a while now,  but have been putting it off. Not because I’m scared or nervous of what I want to say, but because I want to say it in the most educational way possible, a way in which I can give more insight into why I’ve changed my views and the way I’m living my life. It’s not a sudden change for me, I believe it’s one I have been pushing myself to make for a while now that I’ve been putting all the signs together, it’s the perfect time for me to put my thoughts to words for you guys to understand.

I spent so many years of my life worrying what everyone thought of me, I let it consume me for so long until I literally woke up one morning and thought ‘fuck it, I’m going to do me and whoever I attract in my life by simply being comfortable with myself, they’re the people who I should be focusing on’ and that’s exactly what I did, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. The reason why I believe it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself is simple. The people I’m attracting are the most down to earth, spiritual and knowledgable people I have ever met. I use to hide myself in a little bubble, fearing rejection from anyone I didn’t personally know and that’s something that stopped be from meeting the right people who would spark up my creativity, who would open my mind to possibilities I would never have imagined. When you look behind a physical appearance, when you look beyond materialist items and the way someone presents themselves on the outside, it opens you up to a whole new level of how I now believe you should connect with someone – and thats within your soul. This was always something that I felt highly of, but wasn’t aware of the amount of people who feel the same way I do, and it honestly brings my heart so much joy knowing people also look beyond looks and physical appearance when connecting with another.

In life, and growing up the way our generation has grown up – we have been taught a particular routine of what we should do, when we should do it, and why we should do it. We are taught to get good grades, get into a good school, study something, work, pay bills, get a house, get married, settle, have children. Now dont get me wrong, I know its not like this for everyone, and thats just a typical life routine, and in no way m I saying that its wrong – it is the right path for so many and if this path is what has caused you to be so internally happy – then I have so much respect for that, however for me and my future – its something I am stepping away from. I watch so many family members and friends suffer from feeling not successful, not good enough – all because they are in their twenties and haven’t settled yet, haven’t financed a house yet, or are still single. I watch them cry and tear themselves apart all because we have grown up believing we have to have everything figured out. What works for someone else, and someone else’s life journey, it will always be different then yours – that is not a bad thing. I have learnt to embrace my situation. Im 22, Ive been single for over a year now, I’m earning less in the job I am in now, then what i was doing previously. I dont own a house, i dont have myself financially set (just yet) and I have no idea where my future is going to take me, and I am so perfectly and utterly happy with that. Why? Because I am trusting my journey. Im happier in my work place because I’m doing something I’m passionate about, I’m meeting people who I honestly now know, and feel are the people Ive been missing in my life, I’m making memories and forming friendships and bonds that will last so much longer then anything materialistic, and I know that if I’m spending time with these people, making memories and focusing on what I am passionate about – everything is going to come together when it is the right time for it to come together – and that is becoming reality for me daily.

Anyone who knows me personally, knows I’ve always been connected to spirituality and healing. I’m a strong believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and that we are on a journey. Not everything is going to make sense right now but you need to trust you struggles, trust your journey and trust that every step you are taking, the planned, the spontaneous and the ones where you allow yourself to step out of a normal comfort zone, those are the steps that are going to shape you into the person you are meant to be. The problem that we have with a ‘victim mentality’ is that we forget to see the blessings every day brings to us, because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished. Instead of complaining about the bad in your life and questioning ‘why is this happening to me?’, have you thought about waking up just feeling lucky to be living another day, having another day to live like it’s your last. Using your time in the most positive and meaningful way, because only you can change your path and your own journey.

As crazy as it is for me to say, you need to believe in your infinite potential, your only limitations are the ones you set upon yourself. I stopped doing a lot of things I loved because I was scared. Scared of rejection, scared of not being good enough and simply not believing in my own abilities and chasing my own dreams. Is that anyone’s fault but my own? No. But dwelling on things that have already passed and things that are now out of your control is not the way to live. I now learn from my mistakes, I take them as lessons that build me into a better person, build me into a stronger person and is shaping me to be able to help others learn from the mistakes I have made.

You need to Believe in yourself, your abilities and your own potential.Never let self doubt hold you captive of achieving your dreams. You are worthy of all that you dream and hope of, and sometimes a simple self reflection is the answer to help you find that. I cannot put into words how much taking some time for myself to think, sit, ponder and reflect has helped me not only emotionally, but spiritually. Now please dont take the heading of my blog as me having a dig at anyone with a different view or opinion, I am talking about myself. I use to ignore these signs simply because I was comfortable. Not happy, but comfortable. Comfortable in a relationship I knew wasn’t right, comfortable with not challenging myself both physically and mentally, and comfortable with not allowing myself to grow – and that has all changed dramatically for me.

I now love to challenge myself in all aspects of my life, and if opportunity arises for me, I grab onto it like no tomorrow – because I will not live my life with regrets, I will not miss opportunities to form the most beautiful bonds and connections with such beautiful people – and I will not live my life on a side line anymore. I understand that this was a lot to read through, but if one person can put the puzzle pieces together, and takes something positive from my change, then that makes it all worth while for me. I ask for you all to challenge yourselves, dont be afraid to dig deep into your spirit and let it guide you in the right direction, because only you, can help yourself, and I can promise you this – you will thank yourself for it.

Im going to end this with something I wrote not long ago which I know has hit home for  few people who have reached out and maybe it will help you too – think about the three C’s of life – your Choices, Chances and Changes. You’ve got to make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change. Do things that make your soul feel alive, do things that are out of your comfort zone and have no regrets in doing what’s going to make you happy,

Thank you guys so much, from the bottom of my heart for always taking the time out to either leave comments, message me on my social media or just let me know that you think about my posts – the feedback I receive is so beautiful and you all allow me to produce content that means so much to me personally, so honestly – thank you, It is so, so appreciated.

Until next time,

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Hi All,

I am truly sorry for the lack of weekly posts. Since surgery I have been taking a lot of time off social media, even deleting facebook to just focus on myself, my schooling, my photography and most importantly, my health. Im slowly recovering with some minor setbacks but will be back in the gym and back in routine as of Monday, and to say I’m excited is an understatement.

One of the only good things that came out of me having surgery and being so sick, Is I had so much time to reflect, think about myself and my future and also had so much time to write. If you know me personally, you know writing has always been a major passion of mine, and when I was in hospital I finally started writing my book. I dont want to give too much away and ruin every aspect, but in simple terms its about fighting body dysmorphia, the little things life throws at us and finding a way through all the hurt to become better then ever. I did however, want to share a small snippet with you guys. It has not gone through editing just yet, just simply written so please, dont judge too harshly, and please do not pin point people you may think its about – It is all about life in general and the road I have been on. I hope you guys enjoy it, here goes nothing:

“Its crazy, Isn’t it? How things can change in just a matter of a day.  Thats only 24 hours. thats only 1440 minutes. You can go from being so sure of your life, so sure of the people you are surrounding yourself with and so sure of where you are going. Its almost like looking at your future and your life as a long open road, and when you figure it out, or think you have it figured out, the path is so easy to drive on, you enjoy the long, open road and can read your map easily knowing exactly your destination and knowing exactly how you’re going to get there, and then suddenly,  out of the blue, you crash.

You crash that car, you ruin that map and the road becomes twisted and that future, that future that once seemed so clear becomes blurry and hard to reach. I guess thats the way I look at it. There are a lot of people who find it so difficult when put in a position like this. They are so sure of their futures, so sure of their partners, so sure of their careers, they never think about the possibility of losing an aspect of their lives, or possibly losing it all. Its scary, It’s a horrible thought isn’t it? Knowing that the people and things that mean the most to you, could be yanked from you ever so easily. It’s not a reality anyone wants to face, but sadly some of us do have to face it.

The question is though, How will you face it? I guess you could look at it like a road trip in this circumstance too. imagine driving, you suddenly crash. Yes, the crash hurt, yes the crash was hard and yes the crash has had severe consequences on your life, how you feel as a person and keeps you wondering if things will ever get better, but now, now you have to walk.. however there is a divide and there are two roads you can take, but you can only chose one.

One destination can lead you down the path of further sadness, further wondering ‘why me’, further weeks.. months.. years even of wondering how it could ever get better and constant feeling sorry for yourself. This path is the path sadly so many end up taking, and can never ever see the true beauty in life and what opportunities are right infant of us..

Or you could chose the path of optimism, the thought of knowing, yes- damn straight things are going to be tough, yes there are going to be days, weeks even of sadness and constantly questioning where you are going and where life is taking you – but you chose to keep positive and you chose to keep fighting because you know life is too damn short to be anything but happy, too damn short to live each and every day sad. You chose to be optimistic because at the end of the day, you can sit back and remember that you got yourself through some of the hardest things in life, and guess what, you’re still here. You are still breathing air, you are still pushing through every god damn day with a smile on your face because you know only you can change how you see yourself, only you can change your own life and only you can make things better.

Stop relying on everyone else to be there for you. If there is one thing I have learnt, It’s that you will only get disappointed by this. You will be there for you, and this is the sole reason as to why you need to put you first. As old as the saying is, it has truth to it ‘How can you expect anyone to love you, if you do not love yourself?’ These 14 words hit home for me. I spent a lot of my life hating who I am. Heck, in all honesty I still hate a lot of physical aspects about myself, but when I took the time to sit, reflect and think about who I was as a person I learnt that there were parts of me, I am proud of, and those are the parts that make me, Tegan. No-one should ever hide aspects that make them, them, and no-one should ever make someone feel bad or self conscious about themselves because they are different to you. Just remember, there are people out there who would fight for you. There is someone out there who would count their lucky stars to have you in their lives, there is someone out there who wants you, for you. Hold onto that and dont settle for less. You are worth it.”

And there it is. I cannot wait to share more with you as I continue writing.

Until next time,

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photojoiner

Hi all.

I firstly have to start this post by apologising to you all, Ive had many people contact me on my qooh account wondering why I haven’t posted much, and I know I should have been, but I promise, there is a real reason as to why I haven’t been posting.

You know I am always raw and honest with my readers, I always have been. But over the last month I’ve had some time to really sit down and reflect on who I am as a person and how much I put on social media. In recent times, I have realised I definitely spend too much time on my platforms and too much time worrying about whats going on, what people think of me and how people take my posts. I have realised that, that in itself is not healthy. I decided to take action and delete my facebook account just for a little while, or maybe for a long while. I want to use my time and my life for good. I want to explore my surroundings, learn new things, become an even better person so I can better myself for my loved ones and friends. I want to get into the best physical shape of my life and possibly even document that journey, but back on track, Its time to explain why I have been so MIA.

About 3 weeks ago I started to feel horrible pains in my abdomen. I dont just mean a stomach ache, or cramps, I mean it literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the side.. I let it go for a few days, being stubborn I thought it was most likely just a horrible stomach ache or cramps, but as days went on the pain just got worse and worse. I decided to tell my Mum about it and we started to monitor the pain, but less than 24 hours after that it was becoming unbearable. I decided to go to the doctor, and after him touching my stomach just once, he sent me straight to the hospital emergency room. It was all happening so fast I was overwhelmed with emotion. I found myself scared.. Im usually a pretty healthy girl, Yes I get the occasional cold but I had not been in pain like that before.

Within 5 minutes of being admitted, I had so many doctors and surgeons around me, 2 needles in my arms and my Mum stressing out. Before I knew it they had me up in the ward. Wow.. I was admitted. I had not been admitted in hospital since I had my tonsils out in 3rd grade, So it was so different for me.. All though I’m 21, It was scary to me. No one knew what was going on with me, no one knew why this pain was happening and even the surgeons were worried about me. I decided I didn’t want my phone as a distraction, I needed time to be on my own and focus on what was happening to me and my body, so I asked my Mum to take it, Plus I was constantly falling in and out of consciousness.

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(Me and Mum)

My first night being in the hospital they took my down for a cat scan, I cant put into words just how much it hurt climbing from one bed to the other just to have the scan done. The nurses were wonderful and were scared to find out what was going on with me also. The scan room was cold and I just wanted it over. My first night in hospital wasn’t any better. My Mum stayed by my side on the two little chairs the hospital provided and we both struggled to get sleep. I tossed and turned all night with nurses giving me pain killers and taking my blood pressure almost hourly.

Over the next few days they tried to figure out what was wrong with me, while my pain was getting worse and worse, until the cat scan results come in. The doctors all crowded in my room to tell me that I had a burst ovarian cyst and my appendix had become inflamed. They said the cyst caused internal bleeding and it was important for them to perform surgery to remove the bleeding, fluid and appendix. Hearing this made me break down. Yes, I had my Mum by my side which I was so grateful for, but there were others I just wish were there for me.

By Saturday, early afternoon, 4 days since being admitted, I was finally being prepped for surgery. Nothing can really prepare you for it.. Its scary. your heart starts racing and you become numb. I remember being taken down to front of the surgery room before my mum had to leave.. I remember telling her to just tell one person that I loved them and that I was being taken into surgery.. thats all I cared about. I wish I didn’t cry.. but thats all I was doing.. was crying and crying some more. I was scared, I was alone and I wanted the pain to be over.

The surgeons explained to me everything that was going to happen, where they would be cutting me open and how they were going to get me to sleep, and before I knew it I had a mask on my face and being told to count back.. I got to 7 and thats the last thing I remember. I then remember waking up in recovery with a nurse calling my name over and over again. I remember feeling the pain when I woke up too.. I couldn’t even talk without it really hurting. I remember being rolled back to my room with my Mum waiting for me. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.. Struggling to even sit up.

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(Myself 5 minutes after returning from recovery)

The night of my surgery was probably one of the worst. I kept looking at the door hoping someone would walk in, I kept moving and it would hurt.. I kept coughing and it would hurt. I just remember promising myself that once I was recovered I wasn’t going to take things in my life for granted.  I was not going to take the people in my life for granted, and I wasn’t going to go a day without telling the people i loved, that I loved them and would be there for them, through it all.

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(My wounds – small, yet painful)

I was released less than 24 hours after my surgery, and before I knew it i was back in there. They made a mistake by letting me out too early and I had to go back in for another 2 days. I ended up signing myself out of hospital late on the Tuesday night. I was uncomfortable there and i felt a lot more comfortable at home.  That was a week ago, and Im still so sore. Its the little things i miss. Not being able to go to the gym, not being able to go to kickboxing. It makes you appreciate your body and how lucky we are to do the things we do.

I recently had a minor setback, as my stomach wounds became infected – but I’m hoping to hit the gym next week for cardio, and hopefully the following week go back to kickboxing. Its going to take time, but If they hadn’t performed the surgery when they did, I could have died, so I am grateful to still be breathing.

Its crazy, Isnt it? How we take things for granted, and we dont realise how important things are until they are jeopardised. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the toughest times of my life, and yes I wonder when things will get better, I wonder if they ever will. But I know, I am lucky to be here. I am lucky that they found the issue before it was too late and I am lucky to know the people I know. I cant sit here and complain why me? why do I feel the things I do, when I know there are so many people in worse situations.. and I know that those are the people I want to help. I dont want to have hate or jealousy in my heart. I am not only open to love and positivity. I want the people closest to me to feel loved, appreciated and know they will always have someone loyal and a positive light to there life, in me.

To anyone who checked on me while I was in hospital, messaged me or sent me something beautiful – Thank you. Your kind words and gifts were beautiful, and I am grateful for you all. To anyone who feels like there body is not right, to anyone who has this type of stomach pain or anyone who is putting off going to the doctors because your stubborn, Please change your mind. You are better off to ease your mind with nothing being wrong, then something being wrong and not getting it checked.

Until next time,

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photojoiner

 

 

Hi all, I hope each and every one of you are having a great week.

As you would have been able to tell from my last post, I took a different approach lately with my posts and started to get deep and raw about what was going on in my life – the good and the bad. In my last post I discussed my Fathers lung transplant and his journey back to health and how emotional that has been for me and my family -Ive also in the past discussed my battle with body dysmorphia and the weight that can hold – and after some recent events- I think I wish to express myself on a personal level, yet again.

Ive always considered myself to be a 50/50 person. Why do I say that? Because no joke, 50% of people love me, and 50% of people hate me. A lot of people who know me personally, either take me on board, see the real me and see how much of a loving, loyal person I am – while the other 50% cannot stand me as a person, what I stand for and how easy I will stand up for what I believe in, and thats fine – We cannot please everyone in our lives, and I have learnt to live with that, and realise that it isn’t about the number of friends or loved ones we have, its about who will have your back, who will stand by you and who you can trust. Take me back 3 years ago I thought I could trust all my friends, family, loved ones. Fast forward to today and I can honestly count the people I trust on one hand.

Its crazy, isnt it? Looking back just a year ago and seeing how much or lives can change in just 12 months. One thing i have learnt in live though is, never to regret whats happened and what has lead us to where we are today – we all have a path to walk on and sometimes it may seem rocky, sometimes you might cry ‘why me’ but it does get better. Just over a month ago I distanced myself from social media and the world to focus on myself, my goals and the person I wanted to be – and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for the ones I love the most. I changed as a person, for the better. I changed my outlook on everything, I changed my mindset and my attitude and I couldn’t have been more proud of myself for that.

Lately, Ive had to go through something hard once again, and its not just with my Father, but having someone close to me go away for a while and with everything going on – I’ll admit, I was, and still am struggling. I feel like the support I needed in this time, was not given to me, and if I was 100% honest it hurts.  I know we all should rely on the people in our lives to be there for us all the time, but sometimes we just hope they will be and thats the sad thing.

We love hard, we put our faith into someone and we trust them to have your heart and not break it, and sometimes, It doesn’t work out the way we want it to and we end up hurt, hurt more than we ever thought we could hurt- because putting our trust and love into someone.. we give a part of ourselves to them, we truly do and when that trust is broken, a part of yourself dies with it and you’re stuck with what is real, what is a lie and what is the truth.

I know that when I love someone, I love deep, I love hard and you will never ever question my love, my loyalty or my respect for you. When someone betrays that trust, that love and that loyalty.. It leaves you so deeply torn. You ask yourself why? why me? What did I do? What could I have done differently? Am I not good enough? So many questions run through your head. You dont feel good enough, you dont feel strong – you feel weak, you feel un worthy, worthless – horrible! The feeling is not one I would wish upon my enemy and the worst feeling? the betrayal and wondering how you could love so deeply and be so loyal.. but someone else cant.. and thats the part that breaks your heart.

I know this isn’t a very helpful post. Its not a recipe, Its not a tip or a review, but its straight from the heart and thats something I promised to start doing with you all. I just pray this feeling and this never happens to any of you with any loved one of yours – because its horrible and you’re left wondering.. what next? Please remember I will always be here for every single one of you – dont forget that.

Keep your heads up – Keep fighting

Until next time,

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photojoiner

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote a blog post tonight on home made body scrubs but decided not to post it as something much larger and more important has come up and I think its a topic i need to speak about and a topic I think needs more attention/awareness on. Some might say I post a bit too much about my personal life or how I’m feeling – and thats fine, every one if entitled to their own opinion but the way I look at it is, If you aren’t being honest and open about the good and the bad, then why blog or post at all? You may disagree with me, but I consider my readers, friends and I will always be upfront, honest and raw- about the good and the bad and what I want to speak about and draw awareness on today is something so close to my heart.

I’m sorry for the lack of posts lately, but there has been a serious reason as to why I haven’t been posting and I think today, I’m ready to talk about it

It’s not my place or my right to go into the detail of my fathers passed illnesses or his battle with health, that’s his decision and his privacy- however I think discussing he’s current journey and what he has been through and bring awareness to the importance of organ donation, is something I needed to write about.
My Fathers original lungs were failing. They were working at a capacity of only 22%. imagine your lungs working this low day in and day out. They were failing him and this was breaking all our hearts. Throughout 2015 my Dad, Greg, did many texts, lost around 20kg, started exercising and eating healthier to be eligible to be put on the lung transplant list. The wait, the tests and the constant hospital appointments had my Dad exhausted but he kept pushing through knowing this is what he needed if he wanted to see us all grow up and live the rest of his life healthy and happy.
On Tuesday the 29th of March my Dad received a call from his hospital, advising him that they had lungs that would be compatible for him and to get everything in order for surgery that evening. Those words were bitter sweet for me – sweet because my Dad had gone through so many tests and worked so hard to get onto the list and it’s very lucky and rare for the lungs to become available, but bitter because the surgery is very scary and no one knew what to expect.
At this stage, my Father and I hadn’t spoken in 2 weeks due to a silly arguement. My Dad called me with the news of the surgery. We knew my Dad was on the list and that we were prepared for waiting a long amount of time and not to get our hopes up, but when lungs are found and it’s time for the surgery, how do you prepare for that? It’s hard too, it really. I sat on the phone to my Dad sobbing, not knowing really what to say but good luck and that I loved him. My Dad hardly chokes up, but I could hear the emotion in his voice too, we then hung up from each other – and from that moment I was terrified, emotional and on edge.
My dad went in for surgery on Tuesday the 29th of March at roughly 7:00pm. We were told the treatment could take up to 12 hours and to just keep checking in with the hospital. I feel like I now should buy the nurses flowers as I was annoying them with phone calls almost every hour on the hour trying to find out what was going on with my Dad. I was finally advised he was out of surgery and in ICU the next morning, and that’s when the waiting game began. Waiting for him to wake, waiting to see how the new lungs were reacting, waiting to see if his body would reject the lungs or take them on board – it was a day of waiting, that felt like weeks. My Dad had a double lung transplant, a surgery that would save his life.
On Thursday the 31st of March, I was finally allowed to see my Dad. Walking in to ICU and seeing him smiling, I cannot put into words the happiness and pure emotion I felt. That man and I may fight, bicker and disagree, but he is my Bestfriend, my father and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. My Dad was reacting to the surgery better than most. He was breathing incredibly, he had colour to his face – something I had not seen in my dad for at least 2 years – due to being sick and constantly on oxygen, Dad previously always looked gray and dry – now his face was presenting colour and glowing – I couldn’t believe it.
The biggest noticeable change on my dad? His attitude. I can’t put into words just how much my dads outlook on life, health and fitness has changed in just a week. My Dad was advised he would be in ICU for a few weeks –  that was not the case. My dad was working that hard and doing everything so correctly, that he was out of ICU by Sunday the 3rd of April, less than a week before his surgery. Isn’t that incredible? Sitting here writing about it now gives me tears of joy, I am just so proud.
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My dads outlook on everything and how excited he is for his future is inspiring. Before his surgery, he would hardly smile, hardly leave the house and now – he cannot wait to get out of hospital, smash out his 12 month recovery period and begin the rest of his life, and live it to his full capability. He’s excited to travel, build his fitness, breath on his own and do things he couldn’t do before. What’s scary about this? My dads so grateful to just breath properly again- something we ALL take for granted daily.
Currently, My Dad is still in hospital working towards recovering and starting his new life – and dad when you read this, just know that I am so proud of you, I am so grateful to have you as my Father and so excited to be on this journey with you, and I will be right by your side every step of the way. Your attitude, outlook and positivity inspires me daily – I love you.
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Now that my readers are up to date – there is more to this post then just explaining and showing you all just how incredible my father is, however raising awareness on the ABSOLUTE importance of Organ Donation. I’ve been sitting and thinking – if this man did not sign up to be an organ donor before he passed away – my dad may have never had this opportunity. All-though the organ donor and his family are anonymous, I am SO grateful for them. The man who signed up to become a organ donor, is the true hero in this story – because his sacrifice and his ability to become a donor and make that choice, has saved lives. I, myself am an organ donor and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. One donor can save so many lives – it’s actually incredibly crazy to think about. Organ donors are heroes, they are beautiful people  and it’s thanks to people like them, that people like my Father can now live his life. It’s crazy how simply signing up, can do so, so much. I wanted to post the link to reading all about organ donation – I would never expect any of my readers, friends or family to do anything they aren’t comfortable in doing – but just filling your head with some information on organ donation and passing on the information can save so many lives.
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I also want to touch base on how so many of us can take so much for granted. I look back and think how silly I was to let an argument stop me from speaking to my Father. There are so many men, woman, children who wish they had their parents, and I was ignoring mine.. And that makes me feel terrible. Yes – families fight, it’s normal – but I suggest to anyone in this boat, don’t ignore your loved ones or let an argument stop your communication – it isn’t worth it and you never know what you have.. Until it’s gone or you can see what can be taken from you. Also never take for granted how lucky we are to be healthy, able to walk, stand, move, breath, eat and do what we do every single day – we as humans complain about the little things way to much, I know I’m guilty of it – but after this experience I have learnt that we are so lucky to live the lives we live with the health we have – and that should not be taken for granted even for a second.
Make the most of your days – do something to make someone else happy, volunteer, travel, use your skills – make it count, because we are so lucky to be able to have the choice and opportunity to do that – there are so many beautiful people all over the world who can’t, but wish they could.
 I just want to end this blog post by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has messaged me, reached out to ask about my father and my family and offer love and support – some of you have even advised me you want to become organ donors, and that is so incredibly amazing – you are all beautiful people who are honestly, heroes. I am so happy to have you all in my life and my Dad is also so grateful and humbled by all your love and well wishes.  Also to the Alfred Hospital, for always supporting my Dad and looking after him with great care, love and expertise, I am so thankful.
Love Always,
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Body Dysmorphic Disorder, also known to some as ‘Body Dysmorphia’.

There are many people who will read the headline of this post and think nothing of it, many people who will be reading this just to learn about a different type of disorder, or some of you may just be intrigued to know what exactly it is and what it means, but there will be some readers who have this disorder, and these few will know how this disorder,  can seriously control many aspects of your life.

Medically, Body dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) is described as a ‘distinct mental disorder in which a person has symptoms of a medical illness, but the symptoms cannot be fully explained by an actual physical disorder. People with BDD are preoccupied with an imagined physical defect or a minor defect that others often cannot see’ (webmd quote/explanation of the disorder). To simplify this, BDD can be described as an individual who has a very negative view on their body, looks and self image, but to me and so many other BDD it is so, so much more.

For some, Body dysmorphia can start from bullying, for others, from their own insecurities, and some can even develop the disorder from growing up in an abusive family environment, and sadly these only name a couple of the reasons each individual can develop BDD. Every individual with this Disorder has their own story, their own struggles and their own thoughts on suffering with Body dysmorphia,

This is my story.

I didn’t always have BDD. Growing up, I was actually a pretty confident kid. I started Swimming at the age of 4, Gymnastics at the age of 5 and even gave Taekwondo a go at the age of 9. Swimming, however was always my favourite- and I stuck with it all the way into year 9 of highschool. Throughout Primary school I began to get bigger, yes. Was it something i noticed? Of course it was, but I was a kid, and I certainly didn’t let it bother me. The early years of Primary school, Kids weren’t cruel, everyone respected everyone and always played nice, however leading up to year 5 and 6- thats when the bullying began. Now looking back on it I laugh, because it was just young boys, being boys, trying to get a quick laugh from their mates, but back then being an 11-12 year old girl, it was something that definitely affected me, thats for sure.

Moving into Highschool and becoming a teenager, now thats where I would have to pin point the starting point of developing BDD. Highschool was tough. It can be for a lot of students, and not just females but males too. I feel like now looking back on it, everyone just wanted to get a laugh out of their friends, they wanted their friends to think they were cool or tough- but half the time It all was an act. I had a group of friends, A descent size too, I mean we were teenage girls and often our friendship groups changed. The worst thing about going to an all girls school? The amount of backstabbing. Every day it was something new. If you did something embarrassing, of course everyone knew about it but you would only have to wait a day and everyone would be talking about some new piece of gossip on someone else. Looking back on it, it was actually kind of sad. Looking back on it, I think a lot more discipline should have been taken on students who thought it was okay to put down others because they weren’t their definition of beautiful or perfect. If anything, now, It only reflects badly on the ones who did the bullying and the ‘body shaming’.

I was actually quite a big girl during the start of Highschool and leading into my last 3 years of Highschool. I knew it, I hated it, and I would cry over it every single night. I would come home from school and cry to my Mum and Dad about how I looked. Id constantly ask ‘Why?’. ‘Why me?’. I would often have a pity party for myself, and looking back at that now I shake my head. The turning point was going from an all girls School in year 9, to transitioning to the Co-Ed Boys and Girls Campus to complete year 10, 11 and 12. Luckily, for me I never got a crush on any boy from my Highschool, not one. I had boyfriends, yes – but none of them attended the same school as I did, and personally I was too ashamed in my body, my self image and the way I looked to fully be happy in any relationship I was in, so they all faded pretty quickly and were nothing too serious.  I was scribble my face out in photos, hide my face in photos, crop my photos – Anything that would stop me from having to look at myself any more than I had to.

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(As you can see from the above photos I found on my still existing myspace page that I uploaded from 2008-2010, I hid behind black and white photos, my side fringe and often covered my face in every single photo that was taken of me. Yes, I wasn’t a skinny girl but hating myself this much, wasn’t healthy)

 

In year 10, My Best friend dropped out of High-school, My Dad became extremely ill and my motivation to do anything was lost. My grades dropped, my happiness dropped and I honestly felt as if nothing was going right. I was depressed, I felt alone and I felt like i had nothing. Add a load of homework, bullying and a bunch of gossiping teenagers to that and It was a great mix of disaster for any teenage girl. Now, I’m not trying to throw a pity party for myself here again, As everything that happened through high-school has made me who I am today, but going through it, and knowing still what so many young woman and men go through throughout their High school experience breaks my heart. I hid behind baggy clothes and a hideous side fringe.

Towards the end of year 10, I wanted to make a change. I decided to start ‘eating healthier; and joined a local gym. I would starve myself by eating 400 calories a day then going and doing endless hours of cardio to burn off the calories I ate, then destroy all that work by binge eating on a weekend because I was always SO hungry. I knew it was the wrong way to go about it, I shouldn’t have been surprised when I wasn’t losing weight, But I was and I would cry about it every single day. I knew I was doing it the unhealthy way, and I think doing this to my body back then has ruined my metabolism now. I kept this up all through year 10 and all through year 11. Starving myself, then binge eating, then starving myself, then binge eating. It was a rotation that went around and around and around again. I lost a few kilograms, however every time I looked in the mirror i hated what was staring back at me. i hated my hair, my face, my teeth, but most of all- my body.

The extent and depth of my emotions and feelings were, and still are incredibly deep, which I do speak about in the novel I am currently writing, and will release to you all once completed,  however I still find it hard to explain the pain, hurt and hate I had for myself. When year 12 finally came around I was more body conscious then ever. I wouldn’t wear anything other then black leggings and clothes that would hide my weight. Year 12 was hard, especially the first half. I struggled to keep up with study, working out and eating healthy, and then I met my Boyfriend, Ryan. I was honestly amazed he even showed interest in me to be honest, Here was this fit, good looking football player.. then there was me, this chubby, shy, no confidence 17 year old who hated the way she looked – but he stuck by me, through it all, and honestly I cannot thank this incredible man for everything he has done for me over the last 4 years, that’s for sure.

Once year 12 was done, My happiness definitely boosted. Although I still hated the way I looked and how I presented myself. I was away from the negative High school environment. I got my license, a full time job and was enrolled in my Beauty Course however my Dysmorphia got worse. I started eating a lot healthier, however in 2013/14, I was over exercising – sometimes doing up to 4 workouts a day, spending thousands on products, plans, boot camps and anything I thought would help me lose weight and love my body, but nothing would work. I was 2 dress sizes smaller from high school, however to me – I still looked horrible, I still felt horrible, and I still had no confidence. I had Ryan telling me I looked great,  old High school peers messaging me asking for advise on how to lose weight and telling me how great I looked, however none of it sunk in. To me, It wasn’t good enough – and If I’m honest it still isn’t good enough.

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(Here is a photo I uploaded to my Facebook in late 2014- after starting a new fitness regime. I was getting comments telling me how great I looked, but to me, there was hardly any change. I hated my body so much in the first photos, And hated my body just as much in the second set)

Focusing in on the last year- I began my Beauty course and was suddenly surrounded by young, skinny, beautiful, fit girls my age and older who ate like shit, but still had incredible figures, who were confident and so happy with themselves.. then there was me. Who wasn’t shy, I had a great relationship with everyone in my class- however would never even think about showing my body to anyone in the class and would even struggle to contribute to some classes if it meant I had to take my top off or do anything like that. Even sitting here, writing about it now gives me major anxiety and worry. Towards the middle of 2015 I got doctors to run tests, body comparisons, anything I could to see If I had anything wrong with me – and that’s when I was diagnosed with BDD. I had no idea what it was, had no Idea why he was diagnosing me with it, and had no idea why he was asking me to see a therapist about ‘hating myself’. Luckily enough I accepted my disorder and didn’t have to go on to seeing a therapist for the issue but accepting the fact that I had BDD wasn’t easy for me. I always put up a front of a strong, independent girl and it was hard for me suck up my pride and just accept the fact that i had a mental disorder, but accepting it was the first step to what I know will be a long recovery. I went to 3 other weight loss specialists towards the end of 2015 trying to see if they could help me – and they were all disappointing, one place (Melbourne Weightloss Clinic) had the main specialist tell me to “Just drink weight loss shakes for 3 year and you will definitely see a change” but that I was “Overreacting because the clients she usually sees are 5 times as big as me”. And i think that is a major issue. Its not about being a certain size. Having BDD is an issue for girls, woman, men and boys of all ages, sizes and shapes. I personally know a beautiful, fit, thin young woman who has BDD but sees herself as chubby and unattractive. It comes down to your own perception and your own image of yourself.

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(Here is another image I uploaded to Facebook much more recently, In October of 2015 to be exact. I look at myself there in 2010, and had no confidence, unhappy and overweight. I look at the photo on the right that was taken recently and although I do look like a different person, the feeling inside it still much the same. I’m wearing black because wearing anything else for my boyfriends football presentation would have made me look ‘obese’ as I would say. It took me 4 weeks to decide on an outfit for the night and only chose this because to me it was the only thing that looked half decent and the only outfit that to me, didn’t make me look how I felt.)

Now I am by no means skinny or fit. I am being very honest and raw when I say this, but I still cry myself to sleep every night thinking about my body, how I look and how I present myself in clothes. I dread Summer for having to wear more revealing clothes, I dread bikinis and I dread anything that means my skin will be showing, but that’s me being real with all of you. I may not be skinny, fit or confident, but one thing I am – Is healthy. I began 2016 with a goal. A goal to be healthy, a goal to be strong and a goal to push myself and be the best version of myself, emotionally, physically and mentally. I look at my body still with disgust on a daily basis, but I nourish it correctly, I train it correctly and I am on the road to trying my hardest to change my perception of myself, my opinion of myself and I’m trying to learn to love the skin I am in, while I try to better it.

Some days are worse then others, but all have its challenges and the best piece of advise I can give is to surround yourself with people who make you smile, who are positive influences on you, who have goals, ambitions and are striving for a happy, successful future. Get rid of any negativity, any negative people or anything that can hold you back from bettering yourself.

How do I cope with it? Well.. that’s a hard question.. really. Some days I do, some days I don’t. Some days I can stand myself in clothes, and others I will cry my eyes out at every outfit I try on until I have no strength to even attempt to go out in public. There’s good days, and there is bad days but the road to recovery is there and you don’t need to battle your disorder alone. So many young woman and men keep so quiet about it to the point they feel like they have no one – I’ve done that, and its far from the truth. There are so many organisations and other beautiful woman in the communities surrounding you and close to you who are also suffering. The best thing I do when I’m feeling really negative about myself is I ensure to surround myself with the people I love and the ones who lift me up. My family, My parents, My incredible boyfriend, My close friends and my Pups. I surround myself with the people who love me and support me, I know I don’t have to go through it alone. Another way I cope is sticking to a healthy, nutritious diet and balanced exercise. I workout 6 days a week with a program that was written up for me and follow a MACRO diet, which is the right amount of carbs/proteins/fats for my body and have one cheat meal a week to keep my cravings satisfied. Its about balance and healthy living. If I know I’m treating my body right, then that’s one step in a positive direction. Have motivation. 4 years ago I would have told you my motivation and inspiration would have been a woman was sickly skinny, not that this isn’t beautiful, as all woman of all shapes and sizes is beautiful but for a woman like me who grew up swimming, who is tall and bigger built naturally it wasn’t practical nor healthy. My inspiration now is woman like Ronda Rousey (who as a fact also suffered weight issues and overcome this) and woman within female MMA/UFC as well as various strong, fit, healthy, fitness professionals.

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How can you get help? If you suffer from BDD you are not alone and I’m telling you, you do not have to suffer with it alone. I personally am here for you no matter what and you can reach me or direct message me at any of my social media’s listed on my ‘social media’ tab. When I turned 21, I wrote a list of 21 things I want to do while 21, and one thing on the list was to create a forum for anyone suffering from BDD, And I am well on my way on doing that and will post the link asap and make a blog post about it as soon as its available- It will be a forum for anyone- a support page for anyone and you will see you are NOT alone and that you don’t have to battle it alone.  I highly suggest speaking to a trusted GP and therapist if you feel like this outcome will help you also. I’ve also listed some incredible websites below which will give you information/support services:

http://www.bddfoundation.org, http://www.anxietyaustralia.com, eatingdisorders.org.au, http://www.betterhealth.vic,gov.

 

The truth is, some people overcome BDD, Some others don’t, but the reality is there is support, there is help and there is ways to improving your relationship with yourself and the view you have of yourself, and I’m here to do that with you. BDD is not something to laugh at or look at lightly, but you can get through it, you can live with it, and you can use it as a tool to be the best possible version of yourself. No matter where you are based, there is support, there is help, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thankyou so much for reading the simplified version of my story and I am very excited/nervous to release my novel once its completed for everyone to read, If they wish. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to understand the struggle and if you are here simple to look at getting help or gain support, then I am so super proud of you. Please do not hesitate to take up my offer if you need someone to talk to/support you on your journey. Do not by any means feel embarrassed or nervous to speak to me regarding it, I am here to help- and totally understand how you are feeling.

You are not alone, We fight together.

 

Until next time,

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Happy Monday All! I hope you guys had a wonderful weekend and are ready for the week ahead! Im so glad the weather is starting to warm up here in Melbourne! I had such a great weekend and cannot wait to blog about it this week for you guys.  I thought seeing as I’m currently writing a ‘Quiz’ about me for my 21st party guests, I might as well do a 50 Questions on my blog as it’s been a while since ive done one! I answered a bunch of Questions I found online so please feel free to copy, paste and answer them yourself! Id love to know about you all too! Lets do it!

 

  1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
    My first name, No. But my middle name (Audrey) yes! My Dads Mother’s name was Audrey and my Mum LOVED Audrey Hepburn!

    WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
    Thursday, I had a cry session with my Dad about hating my body.


    3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

    It depends on the day, sometime I don’t mind it and other times I think its horrible haha!

    4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
    Chicken or Turkey!

    5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
    No, but honestly I do consider my Dogs to be my children (Sad, I know)

    6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
    Hell yeah!


    7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

    Probably way too much

 


  1. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

    Nope! I got tonsillitis monthly as a kid so they were taken out when I was like, 7-8.

    9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
    Probably not, but then again I’m trying to take more risks/get out of my comfort zone so.. maybe!


    10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

    As a kid I loved cocopops but because I eat a lot healthier, I don’t really have cereal- If I was going along the lines of similar breakfast foods id say either Muesli or Oats.
    11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
    Im lazy with this, I won’t unless it hurts or Im struggling to get them off without untying the laces haha!

    12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
    Emotionally, it depends on the day

Physically, Im working on it.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Anything from Ben and Jerrys!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Eyes and Teeth

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My weight

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My dog Chloe who passed away in 2009.


18. WHAT DID YOU DO THE SATURDAY JUST PAST?

I went to a Muay Thai Boxing event! (Ill blog about this soon!)

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black Boots

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Oats with Apple.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The radio- Rude boy by Rihanna (haha)

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Turquoise – I don’t know why. Its just a cool colour.

 

  1. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Rihanna’s perfumes, Ryans body spray and the smell of fresh rain.


24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

My Dad who called me at 6:00 in the morning FYI

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Im sorry but I cant choose, these two are my ideal get aways/relaxation spots.


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Fighting (Boxing, MMA, Muay Thai)


27. HAIR COLOR?

Ive had some crazy colours such as grey, teal, purple, but currently is a black ombre into light brown.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue/Green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
For fun, sometimes.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
I love Grill’d burgers or Greek food.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies! I’m obsessed.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (for the 234234 time)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black and Green

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer! Its just about to start here in Australia!

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both! Im a sucker for both

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Cake or Ice cream – Im a sweet tooth but I eat healthy so when I do get to treat myself- Im down for the cake with ice cream!

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Both – I like to mix up my training with a range of cardio and strength and perform it in different ways so I don’t get bored!

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? 
Im a fan of both when Im relaxing! I guess id say co0mputer as I can watch Netflix off it so its the best of both worlds!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I just finished one, so I haven’t chosen the next one just yet!

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It’s just one from typo so it’s pretty simple, it’s just like water paint splatters.

41. ANY TATTOOS?
5.

I have one on my pinky that says ‘Promise’ it was a backyard job when I was 15 and CANNOT wait to get it removed.

I have my parents birthdates in roman numerals on the back of my neck

I have a quote on my ribs that says ‘words can’t say what love can do’
I have a geometric wolf on the other side of my ribs

Under my wolf I hasve a mind over matter quote with an arrow.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? 
Crashing waves.


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Rolling Stones.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
America!


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

Um.. Im double jointed so I can move my arms/hands in really weird positions. I can also be really annoying.. I’m sure that’s a talent too! Haha!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Sunshine, Melbourne, Australia.


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Maribyrnong in Melbourne, Australia

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Uh, its like a dark brick with Brown.

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Black.

50. ANY PETS?
2 dogs.

A seven year old lab x boxer which is my Mums

and a one year old German Shep x Mastiff who is Mine. I’m obsessed.

 

Hi all! I hope you guys had an amazing weekend and are ready for the long week ahead! This weekend I found out that a movie I had been waiting weeks to see was finally out, so I dragged my Boyfriend Ryan to come and see it with me (He acts like he doesn’t like the movies, but secretly I know he loves it) The movie I had been waiting weeks for, was a Horror film called ‘The Gallows’

The film is based around 3 High school kids who attend their school after hours to destroy the set of a play called ‘The Gallows’ that they don’t want to go ahead for opening night. However, 20 years prior to that night, the 1993 version of ‘The Gallows’ did reach opening night, and a student was accidentally hung in a gallows scene and died on set. The kids destroy the set then turn around to realize someone or something has fixed it again and everything looks ready to go. The kids soon realize that they are not alone and some things are better left untouched.

the gallows

The film was made on hand held cameras and I phones so it’s one that takes a particular type of audience to appreciate/enjoy the film. I know that a lot of my friends will refuse to see a film that is filmed like this and prefer the more professional technique, However although I also prefer the professional technique, to tell the story correctly and efficiently it needed to be told through hand held cameras and iphones, It wouldn’t make sense any other way when the story is based around sneaking around after hours at school. The film was not what I expected however. The trailers made it seem a lot more scary and a lot more terrifying then it actually was.  Yes, there were jumpy parts where the hand held camera was moved around a room slowly and things would pop out at you, However there was nothing actually scary involved in the film, In my opinion. There was only one ghost chasing scene and you only get a good look at the ghost one or two times, nothing very scary at all. The suspense and the jumpy scenes were good, however I don’t think enough of the actual Ghost was shown within this film. The trailer shows it to be a truly horrific scary film and I don’t agree with that. I jumped once at a pop out scene and that was it, the look of the ghost wasn’t scary and the movie as a whole was not scary either, however understanding the concept and the story line behind it, the way the film was made via the camera phone and hand held camera as well as the casting was great. The 4 young adults who play the main characters all did such a great job, and their real first names were used in the movie as well, which is different and makes it seem somewhat real. The stand out actor to me was Cassidy Gifford who played her part as the popular high school student perfectly and had the right amount of attitude for the film as well. Reading about the film, I realised it was a real low budget film, and with the amount of money they had to create this film, They did a good job.

There is a plot twist in the film which also has you shocked towards the end of the film, However for all you film lovers who are great with mysteries; you may pick it up throughout the film. If you are a fan of horrors and action within a film, I suggest you do check this out. My personal opinion? I wish I waited until it came out on DVD instead of going to the Cinemas to watch the film, as I think it’s not one you need to see as soon as its out, It’s something that can be waited for. The film has a good story line; however I believe more chasing scenes/more to do with the ghost itself would have been a great idea and would have been a lot more scary/horrific to the horror lovers just like myself. There was such a build-up but in the end such a simple ending. Yes, the ending worked well with the story line, however I believe the build-up of the kids surviving a night in the school the ending completely defeats the purpose of it. For my fellow horror lovers, I hope you all see where I am coming from when watching this film, The concept, and the way it is filmed is clever and appropriate but the amount of scary is just not enough for my liking, especially when the films trailers make it seem like the film is very scary.

Overall, for this film, I am giving it 1.5 Stars out of 5.

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Others may not agree with me, and think I’m being harsh, However being someone who loves getting scared from a good horror film, this film just didn’t do it for me, and the build up for it just wasn’t enough in the end. I hope you guys get a bigger scare out of it then I did.

Until Next Time,

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TEGANS TUESDAY TIPS- SIMPLE TRICKS I USED/USE TO LOSE WEIGHT:

Hi Guys! Happy Tuesday! I am so so sorry for not posting last week! I was so caught up getting ready for the long weekend and easter and didn’t have access to a computer to post! Yesterday was hell busy aswell, so im back on track today! Just to say sorry I’m going to make this weeks ‘Tuesdays Tips’ a big one! This Tuesdays Tips I’m going to be expressing the small and helpful tips I used to lose weight, as well as what I’m currently doing to lose more! Anyone who knows me knows how conscious I am about my body and my weight! There are previous posts I’ve made which speak about my weight loss and my constant battle with hating my body, however if I have a weekend of bad eating, or I am trying to really focus on losing some weight, these are rules I LIVE by. They are what helped me lose many kg when I first started my healthy lifestyle and factors that definitely help you see results!

  1. LEMON INFUSED WATER: We all know how important it is to drink water. Its so beneficial and so good for us. We need to keep hydrated to function and perform, especially when we plan on exercising. We should be drinking 3+ ltrs a day. One day though, I came across adding fresh lemon and squeezing fresh lemon juice into my cold water. Not only does it give the water a fresh and exciting taste, however it also a natural detox. My bloating reduced dramatically, I was always torn up about why my stomach always looked more flabby than everywhere else, but as soon as I added lemon to my water I was feeling fresh and I don’t feel like my water is boring and tasteless! I drink majority of my water now with lemon and never get sick of it. I throw two full slices in a glass and squeeze a wedge of lemon juice into the cup as well. Don’t hurt your body with the bad detoxes and unnatural ones, use lemon!

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  1. FASTED CARDIO: A lot of people say that this is a myth, and a lot of people swear by it, it really depends on who you are and what works for you. When I began my weight loss journey I was not losing the weight I wanted to do, My exercises were becoming boring and I really needed to spice things up. I decided to start going to the gym in the morning before I ate breakfast, and I must admit, my weight slowly started to fall off! However, My progress stumped when I was working out too much. If I did morning cardio, then a gym workout, then boot camp, my weight loss STOPPED. My body was not allowing me to drop any more weight, and I was constantly upset. If you are doing fasted cardio, ensure you are giving your body the fuel it needs. You cannot run a car with no petrol, our bodies are the same. Do not over do it, ill speak about that in another point though. If you are to do morning fasted cardio, stick to a 30-40 minute workout, I did walking/running as well as a short 5-10 minute abs workout before finishing up. It did help me to drop a few kilos, but If I ate something naughty on the weekend or stopped doing it, I gained them back- So fasted cardio can work, but you need to be careful with it.

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  1. WEIGHT TRAINING: For 2 years, I was going to the gym and focusing only on cardio. Walking, Riding, Stepping, Skipping, Running. Yes, I dropped a few kilos, but my body looked the same I was still flabby everywhere! 2 years of going to the gym 5 days a week and I still didn’t look anything like how I wanted to look. I decided to change gyms and get a program written up. I was then introduced to weights and I couldn’t believe the difference it made. My body was aching for days after weight training and burning calories while it did that, I was amazed! When you weight train, you build your muscles, Muscle weighs more then fat, and as your body starts to recover from the workout, you burn calories even when you are sleeping or not working out! Weight training makes your workout so much more exciting and your constantly building different muscles. Don’t be alarmed if your weight on the scales however, goes up. You need to remember that muscle weighs more than fat. As you burn fat and gain muscle, your weight could go up. Look at your body and your structure change, not the number on the scales, trust me. Over the last 6 months I’ve been working with an incredible PT names Josh (swift) who is based in a different state, however writes up- incredible exercise plans to get you the results you want. A mix of cardio and weight training it scientifically proven to help with your fitness goals.

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  1. GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP: One of my biggest issues when it came to weightloss was not sleeping enough. I was getting 4-5 hours a night, waking up exhausted and not having any energy to workout. Your body needs to rest and recover before it can function correctly. Ensure you are getting 7-8 hours of rest a night. I used to always sleep with my TV on, little did I know that while I was sleeping my brain was still listening to the words coming out of my TV. I was waking so so exhausted. The best thing I ever did was start to read a book before bed, Sip on a tea and go to sleep in darkness with no distractions, I sleep through the entire night now and always get 7-8 hours! This point is so super important!

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  1. NOT EATING ENOUGH DURING THE WEEK- WEEKEND BINGING: This is one of my most hated points, because I’m always guilty of it! I would work so hard during the week, follow my diet to a T, Exercise, drink my water, and then the weekend would come and I would ruin it by eating fast food or chocolates or eating way too much, and because my body wasn’t used to it any more because of my diet plan during the week, I was storing way more fat over 2 days then what I was losing during the week was gaining on the weekend. YOU NEED TO FUEL YOUR BODY. I hate it when my friends tell me they’ve been so good all day because they’ve only eaten 1000 calories, I yell at them! You are not providing your body with enough food! No wonder you are gaining weight and not losing it. You need to eat to lose weight. Sticking to an unhealthy 1000 calories a week? I’m sorry, you won’t get the results that you want. You need to give your body the right amount of food and a balance of all food types! Don’t starve yourself ever!

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  1. WALKING: I can’t express how important it is to walk. If you don’t know where to start off with exercise, walk. Walking is such an amazing exercise and really gets you up and moving. Go for a 30-40 minute walk daily and eat a balanced diet, and I guarantee you will see results. Walking isn’t hard, it’s an exercise that you can do at your own speed and pace, and it really helps to remove stress and clear your mind when you do it. I love going for a morning or afternoon walk.

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  1. STRESS LESS AND DON’T OVER EXERCISE: One of my biggest tips is this. 2 years ago I was doing 3 workouts a day, stressing about the way I looked constantly and under eating. Did it get me anywhere? No. I put on weight. Your body will not reward you if you DO NOT LOOK AFTER IT. You need to eat enough of the right foods, exercise properly and not overdo it, and definitely try your hardest not to stress about the way you look. Stressing can cause weight gain as well; if you are constantly worried about the way you look you will not see results like you want. If you put in the work, are consistent and happy, the results will come.

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  1. ALLOWING X1 CHEAT MEAL A WEEK: Now this may not help or work for everyone, but I found that when I allowed myself x1 cheat meal a week, my weight loss was more consistent as I wasn’t constantly craving foods and I wasn’t constantly wanting other foods. I was allowing my body a treat and it worked for me. HOWEVER, don’t think a cheat meal is a cheat day- One meal, not the whole day of unhealthy fatty foods.

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  1. BUY A PORTION PLATE: One of the best things I did was buy a portion plate online. Not only do a weigh the amount of food I have but I know how much proteins to have, how much carbs to have, how much vegetables and fruits to have- a portion plate helps out so much. It is a plate that sections off how much carb/protein/vegetables and salads you should have. The plate is a great way to visually see how much of each food group you are having and really allows you to stay on track. I also advise weighing your foods to the correct amounts per meal to know how much of each food you are eating to correctly get the right calories, and grams of each food you are eating.

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  1. MIX UP YOUR WORKOUTS: Our bodies are amazing; they are constantly adjusting to what we do all the time. If we are constantly doing the same workout, we are not challenging our bodies, ensure you are challenging your body by swapping up your workouts. I often change it up by ensuring I’m doing a range of classes, cardio, swimming, weights, always giving my body a different exercise that really makes me challenge myself.

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Writing this Tuesday Tips made me realize there are so many more weight loss secrets I can share with you guys! I’m definitely going to write a whole blog post dedicated to what I did and ate to help myself lose weight and what I’m currently doing to lose more! Keep an eye out for this post either later this week or early next week! I love sharing what I did, so hopefully I can help someone else begin their journey and not lose hope! I know how hard it is not seeing results and just wanting to know what you can do to help yourself. If these tips helped me, then I’m sure they will help you guys too! If you have any further questions do not hesitate to email me teganaudreyross@hotmail.com or follow me on Instagram @teganaudrey.

 

Have a safe Tuesday Guys,

 

Tegan X